Thoughts...

• Isn’t it ironic that I have no idea what irony is?   No, I guess it isn’t.

• I’m really getting sick and tired of people gushing about how cute dogs are when I’m standing right there.   I find it pretty rude that people don’t tell me how I’m such a good boy!   I am!

• I can’t help but get nervous when my highly educated doctor, who prescribes medicines that determine not only my health, but my very survival, uses the word “irregardless”.

• You know what just doesn’t pan out anymore?  Pretending that the finger you’re pointing inside your jacket pocket is a gun.   People just don’t have a lot of trust nowadays, not like in The Flintstones where it seemed to work every time.  It just goes to show that TV, while being an excellent babysitter, is also sometimes a big liar.   Also, if anyone has any bail money handy, that would be super.

• Whenever I think a job interview isn’t going all that well, I’ll pick 3 random objects from the employer’s desk and begin to juggle them.   Then I’ll say, “I bet those other candidates can’t do this!!!”   But it never quite works out as planned because I never learned to juggle.

• You know who I discovered is a real douche bag?  That emperor Caligula.  I was just reading about him and all the nasty stuff he used to do and I just wish I could go back in time so I could confront him about it.   You know what I would call him?  You guessed it… a douche bag.

• I bet the best thing about having a really big nose is that you can smell trouble a mile away.  Also, when it’s your turn to snort a line of cocaine, you’ll make everyone jealous!

• Not many people are aware that I can be a really competitive person.   That’s why I always get the last word in and end every conversation by saying, “Check mate” with a really smug look on my face.   I like everyone to know that I just got something over on them, even if, technically, we were just talking about the weather or something.

• Whenever I’m at a cocktail party and end up gassy from drinking too many fancy drinks like “Manhattans”, “Cosmopolitans” and “Whiskey”, I cover up by loudly accusing the hostess of “continually farting”.    Sometimes being a waiter is a tough job to hang onto.

• Do you ever wish upon a star and immediately afterward that exact same star turns red and falls from the sky?  Me neither, but I bet that would serve as a pretty definitive “no” in regards to your wish.

• My mom once told me that a gentleman should always carry a handkerchief with him at all times just in case a lady cries.   I think that’s good advice but the problem is that you might find yourself carrying around that handkerchief for a long time until you find yourself around a woman in tears.  Fortunately I’ve learned that as a shortcut, you can always say, “Those pants make you look really fat.”  Then you’ll be ready to go with that handkerchief!  Which, incidentally, also works on your own bloody nose if you get punched for saying that stuff about the pants.

• I think that most women agree that the one feature that never fails to attract them to a man is when he has “crazy eyes”.

• When it comes to different styles of walking, nothing beats the “sashay”.   Except for maybe a good old fashioned “strut” as long as it’s done right.  Now that I think about it, I think the very best walk is when someone walks into something and they tumble to the ground, clutching their broken nose.  Yeah, those are definitely the best.

• If I was ever to re-animate a dead body, I would name him “Angelina Jolie.”  I bet that would really upset Angelina Jolie, the actress.    I would laugh and tell her, “I bet it’s tough now that you’re not the only Angelina Jolie in town!”  I really wish I knew how to raise the dead because I have a ton of good lines about Angelina Jolie.

• Every time somebody says something stupid, I just want to haul off and punch them in the face.   But then I always take a deep breath, count to ten and remind myself that sometimes when people get punched in the face they’ll hit back and I am NOT cool with that!

• Not a lot of people know this, but I suffer from really high self-esteem.    Even when I do something really shitty, I still feel pretty good about myself.  Another clear cut sign is when I walk into a room and everyone stops talking and they all have a guilty look on their face.  I automatically assume they were just talking about how great they think I am.

• Once I was accused of “having a lot of nerve” but then I explained that we all have a lot of nerves.  Billions of them.   Then I informed them that if they had any other questions about the human body they could just use Wikipedia.   It’s an excellent source of information.    Also, fuck off.

• When a bunch of guys get together to play sports, we will often break off into teams consisting of “shirts” and “skins”, but when a bunch of women get together to play sports, instead of breaking off into teams, they just sit around and talk about their nails and fashion magazines.   HAHAHAHAHA!!!!!! Total burn on women and sports!!!  HAHAHAHAHA!!!!   What isn’t funny is when just about every woman I know is better at sports than I am.   Stupid athletic women.

• When I’m having a meaningful conversation with someone, I’ll often say, “It’s like that old saying…” and leave it at that.  Then the other person will say, “What?  It’s like what old saying?”  And then I’ll squint my eyes at them in an accusing manner and reply, “Don’t play dumb with me.”   It’s funny how just about every meaningful conversation ends with hurt feelings.

• I got a spot right in front for the funeral and when they were lowering the casket, I turned to the guy beside me and whispered, “No offence to the departed or anything, but I heard he was a real dick.”  Then the guy got all red in the face and said, “He was my brother!”  And so I whispered back, “Sorry, I meant to say that his brother is a real dick.”

• I’m not an expert on etiquette or anything, but I do know that when you meet someone for the first time, you shouldn’t grab them and try to start wrestling.  I know I wouldn’t like it very much.

• I wonder if really large men get annoyed when they’re described as being “a mountain of a man.”  I bet that would get old pretty quick.

• I’ve found that it can be difficult going through life with no moral compass.  Or a regular compass for that matter.   I frequently get lost while doing the wrong thing.  

• In accessing my current skill set, I believe that I would make an excellent hostage negotiator because I have a very calm and soothing voice.   I’m also very good at speaking in an authoritative tone when I tell the other police, “This is MY crime scene!  I’m in charge here!”   And if things get rough with the perp (that’s what we call the perpetrators, it’s just an abbreviation because we use the word quite often and saying the whole thing gets tiring) I wouldn’t hesitate to draw my service revolver (the one I keep hidden in my ankle holster) and shooting the perp so he can’t harm others.   I have to admit that I get a lot of my information about my own skills from movies.