• One of the things that I like to do if I’m sitting in a waiting room is to look over at someone else, cup my hands around my mouth and go, “CA-CAW! CA-CAW!” Then I’ll repeat it a few seconds later. “CA-CAW! CA-CAW!” Then I’ll fake whisper to them, “You forgot the signal again!” Which just goes to show that I would make an awesome secret agent.
• Most people don’t realize that I can be a real hothead. One of the things that really makes me fly off the handle is when people automatically assume that I’m either a male model or a movie star. It just burns me up! On an unrelated topic, you know what’s a really fun thing to do? Using only your imagination, pretend that everyone thinks you’re super good looking.
• If you ever see someone getting caught on fire, like especially below the waist, you should turn to the person next to you and say, “I bet that guy’s a liar.” If they have any kind of sense of humor, you can share a good laugh. But chances are they might just scream, “Call 9-1-1!!!! That poor man is on fire!!!”
• Being a really quick thinker has gotten me out of quite a few jams in my day. Like one time, this guy asked me to borrow 5 bucks but instead of lending him the money or coming up with some kind of excuse why I couldn’t, I threw a handful of sand into his face and ran away. As I ran, I heard him say, “What kind of an idiot keeps a pocket full of sand???!!!” An idiot with 5 bucks, that’s who.
• I’m a really good guy to have around in case there’s a crisis or some kind of emergency. A lot of leaders will remain calm and make sound decisions, but that isn’t my style. My approach involves running around with flailing arms and my high pitched hysterical screaming makes everyone around me realize that an emergency is taking place. It puts them on high alert, which is where they should be during a crisis.
• If I were ever elected President of the World, the first thing on my list would be to find an appropriate place for my throne. Probably Mount Olympus, but my number two choice is somewhere in the ruins of the Empire State Building. I realize that the Empire State Building is still standing, but I would knock that building down, first to show the world that I mean business and second, because it would distract them from the fact that I don’t have a lot of ideas. Except, of course, some great ideas involving knocking stuff down.
• If you’re ever in a situation where you’re with someone and there’s an awkward silence, try this as a conversation starter: “Hey, what’s up with those birds? Crazy stuff, right?” If they act like they have no idea what you’re talking about, try making up a good story involving birds. That should help get things rolling.
• They estimated the property damage at well over 10 million dollars, the number of wounded was close to a hundred and most experts agree that after all is said and done, those involved would require months, if not years, of therapy. Which just goes to show that you should never run with scissors. Oh wait, did I forget to mention that part of the story where I was running with scissors? Well, I was and just look what happened!
• Sometimes I find that I don’t get the attention that I deserve so I’ve taken to carrying a whip (much like Indiana Jones). The only problem is that I don’t know how to use it properly so I always end up screaming, “Hey, give me some attention!!” and then I throw the whip at someone’s head. The downside is that I always have to politely ask that person to “please give me that whip back.” I’m thinking of getting a gun. Just to fire some shots into the air before I say something profound. That seems like an idea without a trace of flaws.
• People in the business world appreciate those special types who play by their own rules. For instance, when I go into a business meeting, I bring a hamburger with me and when it looks like someone is going to ask me a question, I take a huge bite. Then I hold up a finger while I’m chewing, giving them the impression that I’ll answer as soon as I finish my mouthful of tasty hamburger. Then, once I’m done, I take another big bite. The thing is, I hate meetings.
• Interestingly enough, people who suffer from gigantism never tire of people saying, “Hey, how’s the weather up there?” Apparently they think it’s hilarious. As my way of saying thank you for their positive attitude, here are some slogans that Giants should feel free to use: Giants: nature’s way of saying that sometimes good things also come in big packages. Giants: Like elephants and sperm whales, giants are also good. Giants: Nowadays they never say “fee fie fo fum”, instead they say, “I have incredibly painful hips from abnormal growth spurts.” Giants, you should think about them often.
• Here’s a good way to end an awkward conversation: When the other person leans in, make a face like you want to vomit and say, “Do you let your cat poop in your mouth?” Now that I think about it, that’s a great way to begin a conversation before it gets awkward. I might as well confess that I have trouble making new friends.
• When I go to a party, I like to put about 10 pieces of bubble gum in my mouth and go up to a stranger and mumble, “I’m going for the World Record for the largest bubble ever made from 10 pieces of bubble gum.” Then I’ll purposely spit the entire wad of gum into their hair. Then I’ll apologize by saying, “Oh well, at least I still hold the world record for being a lot cooler than you.” My only regret is not attending more parties. Possibly you could invite me more? Think it over.
• I’m a very discerning movie lover. Like after the cable guy has all that sex with the lonely housewife, I would like to see him actually fix the cable.
• If you’ve ever seen me get into a fight, you may wonder why I always pause to take off my shoes and socks. It’s not because I’m trained in some esoteric martial art, it’s because I leave my toenails really long and pointy. Be warned, if I’m coming at you feet first, be prepared for a flurry of sharp toe nails ready to rip you to shreds. Sometimes, if I’m too tired to leap at you, I may just lie down on my back and lazily kick at the air, daring you to approach. In my opinion, it comes across as being very daunting and even frightening. Also, I apparently don’t have a shred of dignity left.
• Most people know that when I go to the clubs, I do a lot of hip thrusting when I dance. The ladies sure appreciate that, but sometimes it isn’t enough to “seal the deal” if you know what I mean. Sure, driving a hot car like maybe a “Turismo” and wearing fancy “threads” helps, but the secret is (and I cannot stress this enough) is to build up a tolerance to pepper spray. Otherwise you’re just going to be another lame-o dancin’ so-lo. Words to live by for all you hot mamas and pimp daddies! Sometimes I secretly wish that I wasn’t as cool as I am… but not often.
• Here’s a good tip: If you’re going to threaten someone by saying that you’ll stab them in the neck with a syringe, make sure you actually have a syringe. Otherwise they’ll just call your bluff. Then you’ll look like a real putz, trying to stab them with a pencil or your keys or whatever you have handy.
• One of the things that you should know about me is I’m a big time soccer hooligan. For instance, when my club (Britannia Community Pee Wee Team – The Hawks, ages 9 to 12) are playing our arch rivals (Mayfield Community Pee Wee Team – The Cougars) I always show up blitzed out of my mind and chanting, “OLE, OLE, OLE, OLE) and then throw a lawn chair at the referee (Mrs. Mary Williamson). Even though all the parents and the police have told me to “just stay home…please” I don’t. They just can’t seem to grasp my commitment to hooliganism. I don’t even know any of the players, or the rules or why they don’t just pick up the ball and run with it because that would make a lot more sense. Anyway, OLE!
• Sometimes, you just have to do the right thing. For instance, people wearing fur don’t really bother me in an ethical sense, but that doesn’t stop me from throwing paint on them. And even though I eat meat, when I see someone eating a hamburger, I still like to stand right beside them and scream “MURDERER!!!” over and over. Also, if I catch someone jaywalking, I call 911 to report them. I’m a real do-gooder. Also, watch your back.
• If you’re going to greet everybody by saying, “Hey Hot Stuff!” you should make sure that you still do it to people who, let’s be honest, aren’t that hot. If you call out “Hey Hot Stuff!” and some unattractive person is nearby, you shouldn’t shout, “I wasn’t talking to you! Obviously you’re not that hot! I mean, maybe you have a nice personality, but that still doesn’t change the fact that you aren’t very good looking! Don’t get me wrong, I’m sure some people may have told you that you are an attractive person but they were probably just being nice and bending the truth a little so your feelings weren’t hurt! Sometimes people will tell a little fib with the best of intentions! I’m sure you have a lot going for you outside of the looks department! I bet you’re very talented in other areas of your life! Anyway, hi!” As you can see, that kind of a greeting would take way too long so obviously you should just call everyone Hot Stuff. Or, you could just say “hi” and leave out the whole Hot Stuff part. That would work too.
• Ever notice that when you see someone really good looking, they always remind you of me? I bet that happens to you all the time.
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