• Whenever I find myself at a high society cocktail party, I don’t like to discuss art, politics or history, because all those things are lame. What I do like, however, is comic strips. Sometimes I get so passionate about it that I’ll interrupt a group of people talking about something boring and say, “Did you guys check out the latest Marmaduke comic strip? That dog is CRAZY!” I’m what you might call, “a breath of fresh air” and I bet those richies appreciate that.
• I’m pretty sure it’s a compliment when a woman says, “After seeing you naked, I’m surprised you don’t drive an expensive sports car.” I usually reply (with a sexy wink), “Thanks, I think you’re super cool too.”
• If I had to go through life with only one kind of vase, I would pick a Ming Vase. Those seem to be the best on the market. Also, when it comes to decorative, bejewelled eggs, I always choose Faberge. Those bastards really know how to make a goddamn egg. Also, if I had to pick the best all-boy chorale singing in Austria, nobody even comes close to the Vienna Boys Choir. Those little kids can bang out a tune like it’s nobody’s business. Basically, I hate taking a controversial stance on anything.
• Don’t mess around with your health because you never know if you’ll catch some kind of stupid disease. I don’t have to worry about that stuff because I’ve purchased all kinds of back up organs on the black market. If something goes, I’ve got a replacement handy because you never know when you’re going to need a spare liver or two. So if you ever run across someone bragging about how great their kidneys are, let me know and I’ll keep my eye on them. Y’know, just in case.
• If you have dandruff, the first thing you should do is feel dirty and ashamed. Then, after a good long while, you can start to do something about it, like buy an anti-dandruff shampoo. I’m not a doctor or anything, but you can trust just about everything I say. Plus, on a related topic, most doctors agree that the first thing you should do if you find out that you’ve contracted genital herpes is to first keep silent and then after that, lie about it.
• Most people know me as the guy who invented kitten and puppy death match fighting matches but I have a softer side that people often overlook. For instance, one of the things that I love most is just watching a sunset or listening to some fine piano concertos. Now that you know that, don’t you feel guilty about judging me over the whole kitten/puppy thing?
• I used to wonder why everyone would aim at me during Dodgeball games, but fortunately my mom cleared that up by explaining that they were just jealous of me being so handsome. Apparently that’s also the reason I didn’t go out on dates.
• Sometimes I like to walk around wearing really huge headphones and approach people, asking them in an overly loud voice for directions. When they answer, I yell back, “I can’t hear you because I’m listening to really loud music!!!” If they make a face or something, I usually follow up by yelling again, “Do you like Glen Campbell?” Then I’ll yell it again even louder, “I said do you like the country singer Glen Campbell?” Then I’ll wait for a second or two and shout, “I hate Glen Campbell! I’m listening to Mozart!!!” People generally get a kick out of me.
• If you ever think that life can’t possibly get any weirder, just think about that time a huge sea monster ate a submarine full of bison. There’s a slim chance that might have been a dream. But still, even if it was just a dream… pretty weird huh?
• Whenever I go to the gym, I’ll go up to some huge muscle bound dude and ask him how much he can “bench”. No matter what he says, I reply, “That’s not what your mom told me.” The great thing about mom jokes is that they work in every single situation. Like if you’re waiting for the bus and someone asks what time it is, just say, “Your mom is fat.” Jokes are funny.
• Do you think the Boogie Man got his name because he really likes to boogie? If that’s the case, there’s really nothing to be afraid of. Personally, I would be more scared of the Line Dancing Man.
• If you’re ever bored one afternoon, head on down to the ice rink with a handful of marbles. Just launch those babies right onto the ice and wait for the hilarity to ensue!
• If you ever pass someone walking their dog, you should exclaim in a loud voice, “I can’t remember the last time I ate a dog! You just can’t get good dog around here!” Dog owners love that kind of stuff. Although in all seriousness, I’ve heard that in certain places in the world, eating dog is really frowned upon. You know what you should have instead? Chicken nuggets. Or, if you're a vegetarian, try some sprouts. I have no idea what those are but they sound delicious.
• The biggest trick you can pull off in a job interview is to maintain eye contact and to keep a straight face when you tell them that “being sexy” is your greatest strength. If they ask you what your greatest weakness is, say, “Right now… you.” Then wink at them.
• I don’t know about you guys, but whenever I’m lost in the woods and come across a gingerbread house, I always think about Hansel and Gretel. Every. Single. Time.
• “If I could be any character from Game of Thrones, I would be Han Solo.” And then I was chased by a gang of furious nerds. Fortunately their virginity slowed them down long enough for me to escape. Just kidding nerds… we’re good right? May the force let you live long and prosper.
• One of the things that really gets my goat is when people sneak into my yard and steal my goat. HAHAHAHAHAHA Oh man, it doesn’t get any better than that.
• Technically speaking, I’m a ghost hunter. But strictly catch and release, because that’s the sportsmanlike way to do it. Unless it’s a real trophy quality ghost… those ones I stuff and mount on my wall. Even though you can’t see them with your inferior mortal eyes.
• After spending months learning Spanish, my favorite phrase to use is probably, “Hey chicka, do you want to do the boom-boom?” Which means,
“Can you please tell me where the library is?” The Spanish are a very passionate people when it comes to their libraries.
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