More witty junk!!!

• The thing that I like the most about Dame Judi Dench is that I bet she is perfectly comfortable with being called a “classy broad.”  Some dames just aren’t as cool as that.  (Go figure chicks)
• The other day I told my protégé, Melonhead, something very profound and mysterious about the universe but when I asked him for 20 bucks, he said that he only had 5 on him.   I told him that unless his cheap ass parents raised his allowance, “the deal is off”.  He pretended to have no idea what I was talking about.
• When I’m playing high stakes poker with shady “businessmen” I like to lean in close and sneer, “Go fish.”   We all laugh and laugh, sometimes even hours later when we’re burying the bodies.  It’s just one of those jokes that never gets old.  
• You know how frustrating it is when someone will insult you and you can’t think of a really snappy comeback until hours later?   Well just the other day that exact thing happened to me with some goofus.   Boy was I steamed!   But later that night I went to his house and when he answered the door I yelled, “YOU’RE the ignoramus!!!”  He was really smug and said all sarcastic like, “Oh, great comeback.”  So I screamed, “HAI YA!!!” and karate chopped him in the neck.
• It was the perfect setting:  The lights were dimmed, soft music was playing in the background and the candle was casting a flickering, sultry light that danced against the walls. I was lost in the romance of the moment so I stood up and took my clothes off.  Then the waiter showed up and ruined everything.
• Obviously I can’t claim to have invented pornography, but I’m pretty sure I came up with the idea of masturbating to it.
• With each passing day, the chances are growing slimmer and slimmer of me being the first person to walk on Mars.   I won’t say that I’ve wasted the years away, but I sure could have spent less time watching TV and more on “astronaut training”.  
• Here’s something hilarious that you can do if you’re in a seafood restaurant:  stand up on your chair and loudly yell (so that everyone can hear you), “There’s something fishy going on here!!!”  Then wait for the laughs to wash over you like the sweet, sweet love and attention that my parents never gave me.  
• In the whole spirit of “paying it forward” I will often approach strangers on the street that look kind of down and say, “Hey buddy, you look like you could use a hug.”  When they refuse, I yell at them, “Not that YOU care, but I could have used one!!!!”  That always makes them feel worse.  
• A kid came to door with a picture of his dog, asking if I had seen him because he had run away.  I wanted to make him feel better so I said, “Maybe it’s for the best.  He probably ran away because he doesn’t like you.”  The kid got mad and said, “Scrappy loves me!  Scrappy is the best dog in the world!” So I said, “What?  The best dog in the world you say?  If that’s true, then whoever finds Scrappy will just keep him.  I mean, who wouldn’t want to own the best dog in the world?  You can forget about seeing Scrappy again but don’t worry, the best dog in the world is going to be treated like a king!”  The ungrateful kid started to cry but just then a neighbor came up the street with the dog saying, “I found Scrappy!”  I turned to the kid and said with narrowed eyes, “Best dog in the world huh?  Obviously that was a big fat lie.”
• It’s a scientific fact that anyone more successful than me got that way through magic spells and voodoo.  They may argue that they attained their success through hard work and persistence but don’t be fooled… it was mostly the voodoo.
• I have to say, I thought I knew pretty much everything there was to know about nature but I was pretty darn surprised when all of a sudden rain seemed to be falling right out of the clouds.        
• Since I’m running for office in 2016, I was informed that I have to have what’s called, “a firm platform”.   So I built one.   But then it turns out that it’s a different kind of platform altogether.   So here are the two main points of my “platform”:  The only thing I hate more than racism is the Germans.   Anyone that supports the death penalty ought to be shot.   I believe we must stop fighting to end hypocrisy and instead just embrace it.   Finally, does anyone want to buy a platform?  It’s very firm.   
• Being rejected from the Big Brother program hasn’t slowed me down a bit.  A while back I told my protégé Melonhead that if he wants to make it with the popular kids at his junior high school then he’d better rethink his whole stance on “not smoking crack.”  “Sometimes,” I told him, “You have to go outside your comfort zone.”  The last I heard he was living under a bridge.  That crazy kid and his wacky adventures!  I wonder if he ever made it with those cool kids he admired so much.   
• I think the best part about being involved in a gang related shoot-out is the whole “going out for ice cream” afterwards.  
• Say what you want about how cute the Smurfs are, but to me, they’ll always be the marauding thugs who invaded Poland.   I’m pretty certain that was them.   
• If you ever get a chance to meet the mayor of your town, here’s a funny thing to say:  “Your death will be the beginning of the great revolution!!!  Your blood will be like that of the rain that falleth on the earth!!!!”   Then laugh really loud and say, “I’m just joshing!!!” Trust me, everyone will be laughing their pants off.  
• If you ever get stopped by the cops, roll your window down and as they walk up to the car, shut your eyes really tight and fervently whisper, over and over, “Please don’t look in the trunk!  Please don’t look in the trunk!”  Then look over at them and laugh nervously.     If they have a good sense of humour, they’ll join you in a good laugh.  However, if they are in one their moods, you may be tazered.   But on the bright side, you’ll get to yell, “Don’t taze me!!!”  That will make a great story to tell at cocktail parties.    Hey, how come we don’t have those anymore?  Cocktail parties.   Think about it. 
• Although science has proven conclusively that every time a bell rings an angel gets their wings, it really has fallen short when it comes to explaining the phenomena of why it sometimes rains.   And this, ladies and gentlemen, is why the survival of our crops depends on human sacrifice.  
• Even in this miraculous age of iPhones, VCRs and Sony Walkmans, there are some things that just have to be taken on faith.   If you’re walking around out there without some kind of lucky talisman, like a rabbit’s foot or a Beretta 9mm, you’re just asking for trouble.