Just some more stuff on my noggin

• Sometimes when nature gets too big for its britches by having tornadoes and volcanic eruptions, I like to turn the tables by going to the zoo and throwing my poo at the monkeys.    Let’s see how nature likes that. 
• If I could have any job, I would be a matador.   But I wouldn’t fight bulls, I would fight kids who have temper tantrums.   That would be hilarious, watching those kids run into my red cape time and time again until they tuckered themselves out.  Then when it was nap time I would eat their lunchables while they were passed out.  Ole!  
• Recently in the Senate, there has been a lot of debate about what the best super power is.   Many favour super strength or the ability to fly and they make some pretty good arguments, but be on the lookout for those guys who want x-ray vision or the ability to be invisible.   Those guys definitely wouldn’t use those powers for good.  Hint: they are probably perverts.   I think if I had those powers, I could be trusted because I’m generally beyond reproach.   
• Sometimes I think the best thing about moths is that they like banging into lights.   Over and over again, like they’re completely stupid or something.
• Lions are known as “The king of the jungle” but the thing is, lions really don’t spend a lot of time in jungles.   They mostly hang out in those grassy plains in Africa chasing gazelles and what not.  You know who the real king of the jungle is?  Probably some really smart monkey.  That would be my guess.
• The worst thing about endangering your own existence by messing with the space/time continuum is
• I for one am dreading the day that puppies and kittens make the next evolutionary leap and take vengeance on their owner/overlords by shooting laser beams from their eyes.    Wait, can I change my answer from “dreading” to “greatly anticipating”?
• If you ever find yourself with access to a time machine, don’t go back to the days of the dinosaurs.   It’s essentially the same thing as camping.   Except you might run into a dinosaur.
• I would have been a world class gymnast but I could never master any of the moves, especially the straightforward summersault. It’s a shame too, because I was always excellent at getting my hands all chalky.
• Sure, we all get into minor disagreements with others.  That’s just a fact of life.  But I bet it would really kick things up a notch if every time you disagreed with someone, you had to duel with them to the death.  Like, even if the disagreement is over a parking space.  I posit that this would make us much more polite as a society.   Discuss.  
• It’s a little known fact that 90% of the people in Japan are named “Mr. Roboto.”   That’s one of the main reasons they’re such an industrious people.  That and they eat a lot of sugary snacks.   Have you ever noticed that facts are stupid?   
• If there’s one thing that advanced algebra has taught me is that if we’re ever under attack by an army of zombies, the first thing I’m going to do is change into a werewolf.   Those zombies would be all, “Whaaaaat?” 
• By the way, everything I’ve just typed is about real stuff.  Except the part about learning something from algebra.  
• Have you noticed that not a lot of babies are being named “Gregory” nowadays?   Kind of a shame really.   Also, “Floyd” is really on the ropes in terms of being a top notch first name.   Maybe we should make a rule that no one is allowed to just make shit up when it comes to baby names.   Anyway, give it some thought when you get a chance.
• There are some comparisons that only work one way.  Like no one ever looks at a baby’s butt and says, “That’s as smooth as my recently shaved face!” Also worth noting:  you shouldn’t ever look at a baby’s butt, but if you do, keep your remarks to yourself.   
• If you ever find yourself kidnapped and dragged off to a foreign country, only to wake up to discover that you have to participate in a Greco Roman style wrestling match to the death, my advice is to get onto the mat and then whip out a switchblade and say, “Let’s dance motherfucker.”  That kind of coarse language, along with the switchblade, will really intimidate your opponent.   Let’s say, just for argument sake, that you don’t have a switchblade on you, or perhaps the kidnappers took your lucky switchblade away before the match, then my suggestion is instead of following the regular rules of Greco Roman style wrestling where biting isn’t allowed, is to bite them.   Obviously I’ve given this a fair bit of thought but really, it all boils down to common sense.  
•  Here’s a scenario for you to consider: If my life depended on me being dressed up like a transvestite, I wouldn’t say that I would be the prettiest gal out there, but let’s at least agree that you could do a lot worse.  Wink.  
• If I was a wasp, I would only buzz around people with curly hair, just to give them a complex.  They would wave their hands and arms around, trying to get rid of me, frantically asking, “Why are you only buzzing around me?!?!”  Then I would go right by their ears and say, “It’s because of your hair.  Hee hee hee.”   Oh, you know what else I wish for?   I wish I had more free time. 
• Whenever I get to the front of a long line at the store and I inform the clerk that I “forgot” my wallet, I will turn the person behind me and ask them to pay for my stuff.  If they act all snooty about it I say, “Hey cheapskate, if you’re so poor maybe you should ask your mom to bump your allowance.”   That almost never shuts them up but causes even more trouble.  Sometimes enough trouble for me to sneak out of the store during the melee and then nobody has to pay for my stuff.   It’s a win-win.
• Always carry a pencil with you!   You never know when you might find yourself at a crime scene and need to pick up some evidence without contaminating the scene with your fingerprints.   Also, they’re good for poking people if you need some attention.  Then, when they turn around ask them, “Do you think I would get lead poisoning if I ate this entire pencil?”  Then quickly follow up with this other question, “Hey, how much will you give me to eat this pencil?”  Based on my experience in these matters, you might find yourself walking away with a cool five bucks.