• When it comes to predictions, I’ve been almost perfect. The only prediction that I really dropped the ball on was when I said that noogies would soon replace handshakes. I tried to get that trend off the ground but it just never caught on. Also, I don’t have many friends left.
• If I was ever going to become a criminal, I think I would choose to be a rustler. Not many people would see that coming. They’d be all cool and collected, tending to their cattle when all of a sudden they would say, “What the heck, we’re missing 2 cows! What could have happened?!” I’ll tell you what happened… a rustler happened.
• I think the best answer to any question is, “Shut your stupid mouth”. Unless the question is, “Will you marry me?” Then the best answer is, “What’s in it for me?”
• Whenever girls laugh at me, it’s pretty clear that they find extreme sexiness hilarious.
• I think my lack of popularity is due to the fact that I continually ask women when the baby is due when they aren’t pregnant.
• Whenever I meet someone and they say that they’re “very pleased to meet me” I always hold up my hand and say, “Whoa buddy, you’re trying WAY too hard.”
• On a scale of 1 to 10, where 1 is the lowest and 10 is the highest, I would say that a 5 is pretty much right in the middle.
• People who live in glass houses should not throw stones. But people who live in houses that are made of ordinary building materials should not throw stones either. Throwing stones is just plain rude AND dangerous. Someone could lose an eye.
• As you know, I abhor racism, unless it’s against the filthy Austrians, who pretty much everyone hates. Also, I can’t stand the strawberry part of Neapolitan ice cream, which, despite the name, was probably invented by the Austrians. FK out!
• You know who really gets a bad rap? Psychopath clowns. Sure they’re scary, but they’re just doing their job.
• As a male prostitute, sometimes I have to do things that I really don’t want to. Like stay up after ten o’clock at night. That’s number 1 on my list. Number 2 would probably be the whole having sex with strangers thing. Other than that, I can’t complain.
• Did you know that Ghandi always tried to find a peaceful solution to any problem but as a backup plan, he advocated punching people in the throat.
• One of things that I love to do is sneak up on people and gently place KFC chicken skin on top of their heads. The funny part is when they don’t notice it till much later. Hee hee hee.
• If you ever find yourself in a situation where your companion happens to have a less than pleasant body odor or a bad case of halitosis, tell them, “If anyone asks what that smell is, I’m totally ratting you out.”
• If you’re ever eating at a really fancy restaurant, don’t be afraid to order stuff that isn’t on the menu. For instance, you should always order Jello pudding for dessert.
• When someone tells me I’m too big for my britches, I tell them that I intend to start dieting very soon. Then I go and buy bigger britches.
• If you own a big red dog, you’re pretty much obligated to call him “Clifford”.
• So then I asked, “Since when is murder a crime?” Apparently since forever. Here’s some advice for you… do NOT hire me as your lawyer.
• You know what I like best about weasels? They’re really sneaky.
• I think some people can be overly sensitive, especially when you try to compliment them on their pretty little mouths. Also, have you noticed that the word “creepy” is thrown around way too much?
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