Some thoughts...

• When it comes to predictions, I’ve been almost perfect.  The only prediction that I really dropped the ball on was when I said that noogies would soon replace handshakes.  I tried to get that trend off the ground but it just never caught on.  Also, I don’t have many friends left.

• If I was ever going to become a criminal, I think I would choose to be a rustler.  Not many people would see that coming.   They’d be all cool and collected, tending to their cattle when all of a sudden they would say, “What the heck, we’re missing 2 cows!  What could have happened?!”  I’ll tell you what happened… a rustler happened.  

• I think the best answer to any question is, “Shut your stupid mouth”.  Unless the question is, “Will you marry me?”  Then the best answer is, “What’s in it for me?”

• Whenever girls laugh at me, it’s pretty clear that they find extreme sexiness hilarious.  

• I think my lack of popularity is due to the fact that I continually ask women when the baby is due when they aren’t pregnant.  

• Whenever I meet someone and they say that they’re “very pleased to meet me” I always hold up my hand and say, “Whoa buddy, you’re trying WAY too hard.”

• On a scale of 1 to 10, where 1 is the lowest and 10 is the highest, I would say that a 5 is pretty much right in the middle.

• People who live in glass houses should not throw stones.  But people who live in houses that are made of ordinary building materials should not throw stones either.   Throwing stones is just plain rude AND dangerous.  Someone could lose an eye.

• As you know, I abhor racism, unless it’s against the filthy Austrians, who pretty much everyone hates.   Also, I can’t stand the strawberry part of Neapolitan ice cream, which, despite the name, was probably invented by the Austrians.   FK out!

• You know who really gets a bad rap?  Psychopath clowns.  Sure they’re scary, but they’re just doing their job.

• As a male prostitute, sometimes I have to do things that I really don’t want to.  Like stay up after ten o’clock at night.  That’s number 1 on my list.  Number 2 would probably be the whole having sex with strangers thing.  Other than that, I can’t complain.

• Did you know that Ghandi always tried to find a peaceful solution to any problem but as a backup plan, he advocated punching people in the throat.

• One of things that I love to do is sneak up on people and gently place KFC chicken skin on top of their heads.  The funny part is when they don’t notice it till much later.   Hee hee hee.    
• If you ever find yourself in a situation where your companion happens to have a less than pleasant body odor or a bad case of halitosis, tell them, “If anyone asks what that smell is, I’m totally ratting you out.”

• If you’re ever eating at a really fancy restaurant, don’t be afraid to order stuff that isn’t on the menu.  For instance, you should always order Jello pudding for dessert.  

• When someone tells me I’m too big for my britches, I tell them that I intend to start dieting very soon.   Then I go and buy bigger britches.

• If you own a big red dog, you’re pretty much obligated to call him “Clifford”.

• So then I asked, “Since when is murder a crime?”  Apparently since forever.  Here’s some advice for you… do NOT hire me as your lawyer.

• You know what I like best about weasels?  They’re really sneaky.

• I think some people can be overly sensitive, especially when you try to compliment them on their pretty little mouths.  Also, have you noticed that the word “creepy” is thrown around way too much?

Thoughts...

• Isn’t it ironic that I have no idea what irony is?   No, I guess it isn’t.

• I’m really getting sick and tired of people gushing about how cute dogs are when I’m standing right there.   I find it pretty rude that people don’t tell me how I’m such a good boy!   I am!

• I can’t help but get nervous when my highly educated doctor, who prescribes medicines that determine not only my health, but my very survival, uses the word “irregardless”.

• You know what just doesn’t pan out anymore?  Pretending that the finger you’re pointing inside your jacket pocket is a gun.   People just don’t have a lot of trust nowadays, not like in The Flintstones where it seemed to work every time.  It just goes to show that TV, while being an excellent babysitter, is also sometimes a big liar.   Also, if anyone has any bail money handy, that would be super.

• Whenever I think a job interview isn’t going all that well, I’ll pick 3 random objects from the employer’s desk and begin to juggle them.   Then I’ll say, “I bet those other candidates can’t do this!!!”   But it never quite works out as planned because I never learned to juggle.

• You know who I discovered is a real douche bag?  That emperor Caligula.  I was just reading about him and all the nasty stuff he used to do and I just wish I could go back in time so I could confront him about it.   You know what I would call him?  You guessed it… a douche bag.

• I bet the best thing about having a really big nose is that you can smell trouble a mile away.  Also, when it’s your turn to snort a line of cocaine, you’ll make everyone jealous!

• Not many people are aware that I can be a really competitive person.   That’s why I always get the last word in and end every conversation by saying, “Check mate” with a really smug look on my face.   I like everyone to know that I just got something over on them, even if, technically, we were just talking about the weather or something.

• Whenever I’m at a cocktail party and end up gassy from drinking too many fancy drinks like “Manhattans”, “Cosmopolitans” and “Whiskey”, I cover up by loudly accusing the hostess of “continually farting”.    Sometimes being a waiter is a tough job to hang onto.

• Do you ever wish upon a star and immediately afterward that exact same star turns red and falls from the sky?  Me neither, but I bet that would serve as a pretty definitive “no” in regards to your wish.

• My mom once told me that a gentleman should always carry a handkerchief with him at all times just in case a lady cries.   I think that’s good advice but the problem is that you might find yourself carrying around that handkerchief for a long time until you find yourself around a woman in tears.  Fortunately I’ve learned that as a shortcut, you can always say, “Those pants make you look really fat.”  Then you’ll be ready to go with that handkerchief!  Which, incidentally, also works on your own bloody nose if you get punched for saying that stuff about the pants.

• I think that most women agree that the one feature that never fails to attract them to a man is when he has “crazy eyes”.

• When it comes to different styles of walking, nothing beats the “sashay”.   Except for maybe a good old fashioned “strut” as long as it’s done right.  Now that I think about it, I think the very best walk is when someone walks into something and they tumble to the ground, clutching their broken nose.  Yeah, those are definitely the best.

• If I was ever to re-animate a dead body, I would name him “Angelina Jolie.”  I bet that would really upset Angelina Jolie, the actress.    I would laugh and tell her, “I bet it’s tough now that you’re not the only Angelina Jolie in town!”  I really wish I knew how to raise the dead because I have a ton of good lines about Angelina Jolie.

• Every time somebody says something stupid, I just want to haul off and punch them in the face.   But then I always take a deep breath, count to ten and remind myself that sometimes when people get punched in the face they’ll hit back and I am NOT cool with that!

• Not a lot of people know this, but I suffer from really high self-esteem.    Even when I do something really shitty, I still feel pretty good about myself.  Another clear cut sign is when I walk into a room and everyone stops talking and they all have a guilty look on their face.  I automatically assume they were just talking about how great they think I am.

• Once I was accused of “having a lot of nerve” but then I explained that we all have a lot of nerves.  Billions of them.   Then I informed them that if they had any other questions about the human body they could just use Wikipedia.   It’s an excellent source of information.    Also, fuck off.

• When a bunch of guys get together to play sports, we will often break off into teams consisting of “shirts” and “skins”, but when a bunch of women get together to play sports, instead of breaking off into teams, they just sit around and talk about their nails and fashion magazines.   HAHAHAHAHA!!!!!! Total burn on women and sports!!!  HAHAHAHAHA!!!!   What isn’t funny is when just about every woman I know is better at sports than I am.   Stupid athletic women.

• When I’m having a meaningful conversation with someone, I’ll often say, “It’s like that old saying…” and leave it at that.  Then the other person will say, “What?  It’s like what old saying?”  And then I’ll squint my eyes at them in an accusing manner and reply, “Don’t play dumb with me.”   It’s funny how just about every meaningful conversation ends with hurt feelings.

• I got a spot right in front for the funeral and when they were lowering the casket, I turned to the guy beside me and whispered, “No offence to the departed or anything, but I heard he was a real dick.”  Then the guy got all red in the face and said, “He was my brother!”  And so I whispered back, “Sorry, I meant to say that his brother is a real dick.”

• I’m not an expert on etiquette or anything, but I do know that when you meet someone for the first time, you shouldn’t grab them and try to start wrestling.  I know I wouldn’t like it very much.

• I wonder if really large men get annoyed when they’re described as being “a mountain of a man.”  I bet that would get old pretty quick.

• I’ve found that it can be difficult going through life with no moral compass.  Or a regular compass for that matter.   I frequently get lost while doing the wrong thing.  

• In accessing my current skill set, I believe that I would make an excellent hostage negotiator because I have a very calm and soothing voice.   I’m also very good at speaking in an authoritative tone when I tell the other police, “This is MY crime scene!  I’m in charge here!”   And if things get rough with the perp (that’s what we call the perpetrators, it’s just an abbreviation because we use the word quite often and saying the whole thing gets tiring) I wouldn’t hesitate to draw my service revolver (the one I keep hidden in my ankle holster) and shooting the perp so he can’t harm others.   I have to admit that I get a lot of my information about my own skills from movies.

Meaningful postulations

• One of the things that I like to do if I’m sitting in a waiting room is to look over at someone else, cup my hands around my mouth and go, “CA-CAW!  CA-CAW!”  Then I’ll repeat it a few seconds later.  “CA-CAW!  CA-CAW!”  Then I’ll fake whisper to them, “You forgot the signal again!”  Which just goes to show that I would make an awesome secret agent.

• Most people don’t realize that I can be a real hothead.   One of the things that really makes me fly off the handle is when people automatically assume that I’m either a male model or a movie star.   It just burns me up!   On an unrelated topic, you know what’s a really fun thing to do?  Using only your imagination, pretend that everyone thinks you’re super good looking.

• If you ever see someone getting caught on fire, like especially below the waist, you should turn to the person next to you and say, “I bet that guy’s a liar.”  If they have any kind of sense of humor, you can share a good laugh.   But chances are they might just scream, “Call 9-1-1!!!!  That poor man is on fire!!!”

• Being a really quick thinker has gotten me out of quite a few jams in my day.   Like one time, this guy asked me to borrow 5 bucks but instead of lending him the money or coming up with some kind of excuse why I couldn’t, I threw a handful of sand into his face and ran away.   As I ran, I heard him say, “What kind of an idiot keeps a pocket full of sand???!!!”   An idiot with 5 bucks, that’s who.

• I’m a really good guy to have around in case there’s a crisis or some kind of emergency.  A lot of leaders will remain calm and make sound decisions, but that isn’t my style.   My approach involves running around with flailing arms and my high pitched hysterical screaming makes everyone around me realize that an emergency is taking place.  It puts them on high alert, which is where they should be during a crisis.

• If I were ever elected President of the World, the first thing on my list would be to find an appropriate place for my throne.   Probably Mount Olympus, but my number two choice is somewhere in the ruins of the Empire State Building.   I realize that the Empire State Building is still standing, but I would knock that building down, first to show the world that I mean business and second, because it would distract them from the fact that I don’t have a lot of ideas.   Except, of course, some great ideas involving knocking stuff down.

• If you’re ever in a situation where you’re with someone and there’s an awkward silence, try this as a conversation starter:  “Hey, what’s up with those birds?  Crazy stuff, right?”   If they act like they have no idea what you’re talking about, try making up a good story involving birds.  That should help get things rolling.

• They estimated the property damage at well over 10 million dollars, the number of wounded was close to a hundred and most experts agree that after all is said and done, those involved would require months, if not years, of therapy.   Which just goes to show that you should never run with scissors.   Oh wait, did I forget to mention that part of the story where I was running with scissors?   Well, I was and just look what happened!

• Sometimes I find that I don’t get the attention that I deserve so I’ve taken to carrying a whip (much like Indiana Jones).   The only problem is that I don’t know how to use it properly so I always end up screaming, “Hey, give me some attention!!” and then I throw the whip at someone’s head.   The downside is that I always have to politely ask that person to “please give me that whip back.”  I’m thinking of getting a gun.   Just to fire some shots into the air before I say something profound.   That seems like an idea without a trace of flaws.

• People in the business world appreciate those special types who play by their own rules.     For instance, when I go into a business meeting, I bring a hamburger with me and when it looks like someone is going to ask me a question, I take a huge bite.   Then I hold up a finger while I’m chewing, giving them the impression that I’ll answer as soon as I finish my mouthful of tasty hamburger.   Then, once I’m done, I take another big bite.   The thing is, I hate meetings.
• Interestingly enough, people who suffer from gigantism never tire of people saying, “Hey, how’s the weather up there?”  Apparently they think it’s hilarious.   As my way of saying thank you for their positive attitude, here are some slogans that Giants should feel free to use:  Giants:  nature’s way of saying that sometimes good things also come in big packages.  Giants: Like elephants and sperm whales, giants are also good.  Giants:  Nowadays they never say “fee fie fo fum”, instead they say, “I have incredibly painful hips from abnormal growth spurts.”  Giants, you should think about them often.

• Here’s a good way to end an awkward conversation:   When the other person leans in, make a face like you want to vomit and say, “Do you let your cat poop in your mouth?”  Now that I think about it, that’s a great way to begin a conversation before it gets awkward.  I might as well confess that I have trouble making new friends.

• When I go to a party, I like to put about 10 pieces of bubble gum in my mouth and go up to a stranger and mumble, “I’m going for the World Record for the largest bubble ever made from 10 pieces of bubble gum.”  Then I’ll purposely spit the entire wad of gum into their hair.  Then I’ll apologize by saying, “Oh well, at least I still hold the world record for being a lot cooler than you.”   My only regret is not attending more parties.  Possibly you could invite me more?  Think it over.

• I’m a very discerning movie lover.  Like after the cable guy has all that sex with the lonely housewife, I would like to see him actually fix the cable.

• If you’ve ever seen me get into a fight, you may wonder why I always pause to take off my shoes and socks.  It’s not because I’m trained in some esoteric martial art, it’s because I leave my toenails really long and pointy.   Be warned, if I’m coming at you feet first, be prepared for a flurry of sharp toe nails ready to rip you to shreds.   Sometimes, if I’m too tired to leap at you, I may just lie down on my back and lazily kick at the air, daring you to approach.   In my opinion, it comes across as being very daunting and even frightening.   Also, I apparently don’t have a shred of dignity left.

• Most people know that when I go to the clubs, I do a lot of hip thrusting when I dance.  The ladies sure appreciate that, but sometimes it isn’t enough to “seal the deal” if you know what I mean.   Sure, driving a hot car like maybe a “Turismo” and wearing fancy “threads” helps, but the secret is (and I cannot stress this enough) is to build up a tolerance to pepper spray.  Otherwise you’re just going to be another lame-o dancin’ so-lo.    Words to live by for all you hot mamas and pimp daddies!   Sometimes I secretly wish that I wasn’t as cool as I am… but not often.

• Here’s a good tip:  If you’re going to threaten someone by saying that you’ll stab them in the neck with a syringe, make sure you actually have a syringe.  Otherwise they’ll just call your bluff.  Then you’ll look like a real putz, trying to stab them with a pencil or your keys or whatever you have handy.

• One of the things that you should know about me is I’m a big time soccer hooligan. For instance, when my club (Britannia Community Pee Wee Team – The Hawks, ages 9 to 12) are playing our arch rivals (Mayfield Community Pee Wee Team – The Cougars) I always show up blitzed out of my mind and chanting, “OLE, OLE, OLE, OLE) and then throw a lawn chair at the referee (Mrs. Mary Williamson).  Even though all the parents and the police have told me to “just stay home…please” I don’t.  They just can’t seem to grasp my commitment to hooliganism.    I don’t even know any of the players, or the rules or why they don’t just pick up the ball and run with it because that would make a lot more sense.  Anyway, OLE!

• Sometimes, you just have to do the right thing.  For instance, people wearing fur don’t really bother me in an ethical sense, but that doesn’t stop me from throwing paint on them.   And even though I eat meat, when I see someone eating a hamburger, I still like to stand right beside them and scream “MURDERER!!!” over and over.   Also, if I catch someone jaywalking, I call 911 to report them.  I’m a real do-gooder.  Also, watch your back.

• If you’re going to greet everybody by saying, “Hey Hot Stuff!” you should make sure that you still do it to people who, let’s be honest, aren’t that hot.   If you call out “Hey Hot Stuff!” and some unattractive person is nearby, you shouldn’t shout, “I wasn’t talking to you!  Obviously you’re not that hot!  I mean, maybe you have a nice personality, but that still doesn’t change the fact that you aren’t very good looking!  Don’t get me wrong, I’m sure some people may have told you that you are an attractive person but they were probably just being nice and bending the truth a little so your feelings weren’t hurt!  Sometimes people will tell a little fib with the best of intentions!  I’m sure you have a lot going for you outside of the looks department!  I bet you’re very talented in other areas of your life!  Anyway, hi!”   As you can see, that kind of a greeting would take way too long so obviously you should just call everyone Hot Stuff.  Or, you could just say “hi” and leave out the whole Hot Stuff part.  That would work too.

• Ever notice that when you see someone really good looking, they always remind you of me?   I bet that happens to you all the time.

Just some more stuff on my noggin

• Sometimes when nature gets too big for its britches by having tornadoes and volcanic eruptions, I like to turn the tables by going to the zoo and throwing my poo at the monkeys.    Let’s see how nature likes that. 
• If I could have any job, I would be a matador.   But I wouldn’t fight bulls, I would fight kids who have temper tantrums.   That would be hilarious, watching those kids run into my red cape time and time again until they tuckered themselves out.  Then when it was nap time I would eat their lunchables while they were passed out.  Ole!  
• Recently in the Senate, there has been a lot of debate about what the best super power is.   Many favour super strength or the ability to fly and they make some pretty good arguments, but be on the lookout for those guys who want x-ray vision or the ability to be invisible.   Those guys definitely wouldn’t use those powers for good.  Hint: they are probably perverts.   I think if I had those powers, I could be trusted because I’m generally beyond reproach.   
• Sometimes I think the best thing about moths is that they like banging into lights.   Over and over again, like they’re completely stupid or something.
• Lions are known as “The king of the jungle” but the thing is, lions really don’t spend a lot of time in jungles.   They mostly hang out in those grassy plains in Africa chasing gazelles and what not.  You know who the real king of the jungle is?  Probably some really smart monkey.  That would be my guess.
• The worst thing about endangering your own existence by messing with the space/time continuum is
• I for one am dreading the day that puppies and kittens make the next evolutionary leap and take vengeance on their owner/overlords by shooting laser beams from their eyes.    Wait, can I change my answer from “dreading” to “greatly anticipating”?
• If you ever find yourself with access to a time machine, don’t go back to the days of the dinosaurs.   It’s essentially the same thing as camping.   Except you might run into a dinosaur.
• I would have been a world class gymnast but I could never master any of the moves, especially the straightforward summersault. It’s a shame too, because I was always excellent at getting my hands all chalky.
• Sure, we all get into minor disagreements with others.  That’s just a fact of life.  But I bet it would really kick things up a notch if every time you disagreed with someone, you had to duel with them to the death.  Like, even if the disagreement is over a parking space.  I posit that this would make us much more polite as a society.   Discuss.  
• It’s a little known fact that 90% of the people in Japan are named “Mr. Roboto.”   That’s one of the main reasons they’re such an industrious people.  That and they eat a lot of sugary snacks.   Have you ever noticed that facts are stupid?   
• If there’s one thing that advanced algebra has taught me is that if we’re ever under attack by an army of zombies, the first thing I’m going to do is change into a werewolf.   Those zombies would be all, “Whaaaaat?” 
• By the way, everything I’ve just typed is about real stuff.  Except the part about learning something from algebra.  
• Have you noticed that not a lot of babies are being named “Gregory” nowadays?   Kind of a shame really.   Also, “Floyd” is really on the ropes in terms of being a top notch first name.   Maybe we should make a rule that no one is allowed to just make shit up when it comes to baby names.   Anyway, give it some thought when you get a chance.
• There are some comparisons that only work one way.  Like no one ever looks at a baby’s butt and says, “That’s as smooth as my recently shaved face!” Also worth noting:  you shouldn’t ever look at a baby’s butt, but if you do, keep your remarks to yourself.   
• If you ever find yourself kidnapped and dragged off to a foreign country, only to wake up to discover that you have to participate in a Greco Roman style wrestling match to the death, my advice is to get onto the mat and then whip out a switchblade and say, “Let’s dance motherfucker.”  That kind of coarse language, along with the switchblade, will really intimidate your opponent.   Let’s say, just for argument sake, that you don’t have a switchblade on you, or perhaps the kidnappers took your lucky switchblade away before the match, then my suggestion is instead of following the regular rules of Greco Roman style wrestling where biting isn’t allowed, is to bite them.   Obviously I’ve given this a fair bit of thought but really, it all boils down to common sense.  
•  Here’s a scenario for you to consider: If my life depended on me being dressed up like a transvestite, I wouldn’t say that I would be the prettiest gal out there, but let’s at least agree that you could do a lot worse.  Wink.  
• If I was a wasp, I would only buzz around people with curly hair, just to give them a complex.  They would wave their hands and arms around, trying to get rid of me, frantically asking, “Why are you only buzzing around me?!?!”  Then I would go right by their ears and say, “It’s because of your hair.  Hee hee hee.”   Oh, you know what else I wish for?   I wish I had more free time. 
• Whenever I get to the front of a long line at the store and I inform the clerk that I “forgot” my wallet, I will turn the person behind me and ask them to pay for my stuff.  If they act all snooty about it I say, “Hey cheapskate, if you’re so poor maybe you should ask your mom to bump your allowance.”   That almost never shuts them up but causes even more trouble.  Sometimes enough trouble for me to sneak out of the store during the melee and then nobody has to pay for my stuff.   It’s a win-win.
• Always carry a pencil with you!   You never know when you might find yourself at a crime scene and need to pick up some evidence without contaminating the scene with your fingerprints.   Also, they’re good for poking people if you need some attention.  Then, when they turn around ask them, “Do you think I would get lead poisoning if I ate this entire pencil?”  Then quickly follow up with this other question, “Hey, how much will you give me to eat this pencil?”  Based on my experience in these matters, you might find yourself walking away with a cool five bucks.

Random thoughts and ramblings...

• I’m not sure I’m what people call a trend setter, but just between you and me, be on the lookout for people referring to their jeans as “cowboy trousers.”  I started that.
• Whenever I find myself at a high society cocktail party, I don’t like to discuss art, politics or history, because all those things are lame.  What I do like, however, is comic strips.   Sometimes I get so passionate about it that I’ll interrupt a group of people talking about something boring and say, “Did you guys check out the latest Marmaduke comic strip?  That dog is CRAZY!”   I’m what you might call, “a breath of fresh air” and I bet those richies appreciate that.
• I’m pretty sure it’s a compliment when a woman says, “After seeing you naked, I’m surprised you don’t drive an expensive sports car.”  I usually reply (with a sexy wink), “Thanks, I think you’re super cool too.”
• If I had to go through life with only one kind of vase, I would pick a Ming Vase.  Those seem to be the best on the market.   Also, when it comes to decorative, bejewelled eggs, I always choose Faberge.  Those bastards really know how to make a goddamn egg.  Also, if I had to pick the best all-boy chorale singing in Austria, nobody even comes close to the Vienna Boys Choir.  Those little kids can bang out a tune like it’s nobody’s  business.   Basically, I hate taking a controversial stance on anything.  
• Don’t mess around with your health because you never know if you’ll catch some kind of stupid disease.   I don’t have to worry about that stuff because I’ve purchased all kinds of back up organs on the black market.  If something goes, I’ve got a replacement handy because you never know when you’re going to need a spare liver or two.     So if you ever run across someone bragging about how great their kidneys are, let me know and I’ll keep my eye on them.  Y’know, just in case.    
• If you have dandruff, the first thing you should do is feel dirty and ashamed.   Then, after a good long while, you can start to do something about it, like buy an anti-dandruff shampoo.  I’m not a doctor or anything, but you can trust just about everything I say.   Plus, on a related topic, most doctors agree that the first thing you should do if you find out that you’ve contracted genital herpes is to first keep silent and then after that, lie about it.
•  Most people know me as the guy who invented kitten and puppy death match fighting matches but I have a softer side that people often overlook.    For instance, one of the things that I love most is just watching a sunset or listening to some fine piano concertos.  Now that you know that, don’t you feel guilty about judging me over the whole kitten/puppy thing?
• I used to wonder why everyone would aim at me during Dodgeball games, but fortunately my mom cleared that up by explaining that they were just jealous of me being so handsome.  Apparently that’s also the reason I didn’t go out on dates.
• Sometimes I like to walk around wearing really huge headphones and approach people, asking them in an overly loud voice for directions.   When they answer, I yell back, “I can’t hear you because I’m listening to really loud music!!!”  If they make a face or something, I usually follow up by yelling again, “Do you like Glen Campbell?”  Then I’ll yell it again even louder, “I said do you like the country singer Glen Campbell?”  Then I’ll wait for a second or two and shout, “I hate Glen Campbell!  I’m listening to Mozart!!!”   People generally get a kick out of me.
• If you ever think that life can’t possibly get any weirder, just think about that time a huge sea monster ate a submarine full of bison.   There’s a slim chance that might have been a dream.  But still, even if it was just a dream… pretty weird huh?  
• Whenever I go to the gym, I’ll go up to some huge muscle bound dude and ask him how much he can “bench”.   No matter what he says, I reply, “That’s not what your mom told me.”   The great thing about mom jokes is that they work in every single situation.  Like if you’re waiting for the bus and someone asks what time it is, just say, “Your mom is fat.”   Jokes are funny.
• Do you think the Boogie Man got his name because he really likes to boogie?   If that’s the case, there’s really nothing to be afraid of.  Personally, I would be more scared of the Line Dancing Man.  
• If you’re ever bored one afternoon, head on down to the ice rink with a handful of marbles.   Just launch those babies right onto the ice and wait for the hilarity to ensue!  
• If you ever pass someone walking their dog, you should exclaim in a loud voice, “I can’t remember the last time I ate a dog! You just can’t get good dog around here!” Dog owners love that kind of stuff. Although in all seriousness, I’ve heard that in certain places in the world, eating dog is really frowned upon. You know what you should have instead? Chicken nuggets. Or, if you're a vegetarian, try some sprouts. I have no idea what those are but they sound delicious.
• The biggest trick you can pull off in a job interview is to maintain eye contact and to keep a straight face when you tell them that “being sexy” is your greatest strength.   If they ask you what your greatest weakness is, say, “Right now… you.”  Then wink at them.  
• I don’t know about you guys, but whenever I’m lost in the woods and come across a gingerbread house, I always think about Hansel and Gretel.   Every. Single. Time.
• “If I could be any character from Game of Thrones, I would be Han Solo.”   And then I was chased by a gang of furious nerds.   Fortunately their virginity slowed them down long enough for me to escape.  Just kidding nerds… we’re good right?  May the force let you live long and prosper.  
• One of the things that really gets my goat is when people sneak into my yard and steal my goat.  HAHAHAHAHAHA  Oh man, it doesn’t get any better than that.
• Technically speaking, I’m a ghost hunter.  But strictly catch and release, because that’s the sportsmanlike way to do it.   Unless it’s a real trophy quality ghost… those ones I stuff and mount on my wall. Even though you can’t see them with your inferior mortal eyes.
• After spending months learning Spanish, my favorite phrase to use is probably, “Hey chicka, do you want to do the boom-boom?”  Which means,
“Can you please tell me where the library is?”  The Spanish are a very passionate people when it comes to their libraries.

More witty junk!!!

• The thing that I like the most about Dame Judi Dench is that I bet she is perfectly comfortable with being called a “classy broad.”  Some dames just aren’t as cool as that.  (Go figure chicks)
• The other day I told my protégé, Melonhead, something very profound and mysterious about the universe but when I asked him for 20 bucks, he said that he only had 5 on him.   I told him that unless his cheap ass parents raised his allowance, “the deal is off”.  He pretended to have no idea what I was talking about.
• When I’m playing high stakes poker with shady “businessmen” I like to lean in close and sneer, “Go fish.”   We all laugh and laugh, sometimes even hours later when we’re burying the bodies.  It’s just one of those jokes that never gets old.  
• You know how frustrating it is when someone will insult you and you can’t think of a really snappy comeback until hours later?   Well just the other day that exact thing happened to me with some goofus.   Boy was I steamed!   But later that night I went to his house and when he answered the door I yelled, “YOU’RE the ignoramus!!!”  He was really smug and said all sarcastic like, “Oh, great comeback.”  So I screamed, “HAI YA!!!” and karate chopped him in the neck.
• It was the perfect setting:  The lights were dimmed, soft music was playing in the background and the candle was casting a flickering, sultry light that danced against the walls. I was lost in the romance of the moment so I stood up and took my clothes off.  Then the waiter showed up and ruined everything.
• Obviously I can’t claim to have invented pornography, but I’m pretty sure I came up with the idea of masturbating to it.
• With each passing day, the chances are growing slimmer and slimmer of me being the first person to walk on Mars.   I won’t say that I’ve wasted the years away, but I sure could have spent less time watching TV and more on “astronaut training”.  
• Here’s something hilarious that you can do if you’re in a seafood restaurant:  stand up on your chair and loudly yell (so that everyone can hear you), “There’s something fishy going on here!!!”  Then wait for the laughs to wash over you like the sweet, sweet love and attention that my parents never gave me.  
• In the whole spirit of “paying it forward” I will often approach strangers on the street that look kind of down and say, “Hey buddy, you look like you could use a hug.”  When they refuse, I yell at them, “Not that YOU care, but I could have used one!!!!”  That always makes them feel worse.  
• A kid came to door with a picture of his dog, asking if I had seen him because he had run away.  I wanted to make him feel better so I said, “Maybe it’s for the best.  He probably ran away because he doesn’t like you.”  The kid got mad and said, “Scrappy loves me!  Scrappy is the best dog in the world!” So I said, “What?  The best dog in the world you say?  If that’s true, then whoever finds Scrappy will just keep him.  I mean, who wouldn’t want to own the best dog in the world?  You can forget about seeing Scrappy again but don’t worry, the best dog in the world is going to be treated like a king!”  The ungrateful kid started to cry but just then a neighbor came up the street with the dog saying, “I found Scrappy!”  I turned to the kid and said with narrowed eyes, “Best dog in the world huh?  Obviously that was a big fat lie.”
• It’s a scientific fact that anyone more successful than me got that way through magic spells and voodoo.  They may argue that they attained their success through hard work and persistence but don’t be fooled… it was mostly the voodoo.
• I have to say, I thought I knew pretty much everything there was to know about nature but I was pretty darn surprised when all of a sudden rain seemed to be falling right out of the clouds.        
• Since I’m running for office in 2016, I was informed that I have to have what’s called, “a firm platform”.   So I built one.   But then it turns out that it’s a different kind of platform altogether.   So here are the two main points of my “platform”:  The only thing I hate more than racism is the Germans.   Anyone that supports the death penalty ought to be shot.   I believe we must stop fighting to end hypocrisy and instead just embrace it.   Finally, does anyone want to buy a platform?  It’s very firm.   
• Being rejected from the Big Brother program hasn’t slowed me down a bit.  A while back I told my protégé Melonhead that if he wants to make it with the popular kids at his junior high school then he’d better rethink his whole stance on “not smoking crack.”  “Sometimes,” I told him, “You have to go outside your comfort zone.”  The last I heard he was living under a bridge.  That crazy kid and his wacky adventures!  I wonder if he ever made it with those cool kids he admired so much.   
• I think the best part about being involved in a gang related shoot-out is the whole “going out for ice cream” afterwards.  
• Say what you want about how cute the Smurfs are, but to me, they’ll always be the marauding thugs who invaded Poland.   I’m pretty certain that was them.   
• If you ever get a chance to meet the mayor of your town, here’s a funny thing to say:  “Your death will be the beginning of the great revolution!!!  Your blood will be like that of the rain that falleth on the earth!!!!”   Then laugh really loud and say, “I’m just joshing!!!” Trust me, everyone will be laughing their pants off.  
• If you ever get stopped by the cops, roll your window down and as they walk up to the car, shut your eyes really tight and fervently whisper, over and over, “Please don’t look in the trunk!  Please don’t look in the trunk!”  Then look over at them and laugh nervously.     If they have a good sense of humour, they’ll join you in a good laugh.  However, if they are in one their moods, you may be tazered.   But on the bright side, you’ll get to yell, “Don’t taze me!!!”  That will make a great story to tell at cocktail parties.    Hey, how come we don’t have those anymore?  Cocktail parties.   Think about it. 
• Although science has proven conclusively that every time a bell rings an angel gets their wings, it really has fallen short when it comes to explaining the phenomena of why it sometimes rains.   And this, ladies and gentlemen, is why the survival of our crops depends on human sacrifice.  
• Even in this miraculous age of iPhones, VCRs and Sony Walkmans, there are some things that just have to be taken on faith.   If you’re walking around out there without some kind of lucky talisman, like a rabbit’s foot or a Beretta 9mm, you’re just asking for trouble.

Witty Witticisms

• The other day, while I was clipping coupons from the grocery store flyers, I noticed that there weren’t any coupons for canned pears.   I was, as you can imagine, aghast.   I immediately took pen in hand and wrote out five separate handwritten letters of complaint regarding this lack of customer service.   As I was about to throw out all the flyers, I noticed that on the back page was a coupon for 25% off canned pears.  Boy, did I feel like a fool.   But I mailed those letters anyway, because in them I also criticized their zucchini displays, calling them “vulgar”, “overtly sexual” and “setting unreal expectations”.   All in all, a good day’s work.
• Here’s some good advice for when you get into a heated argument with someone.   Hold up your hands and say, “Wait just a goddamn second!   You and I both know what this is REALLY about!”   When they demand to know what that is, you just haul off and punch them in the throat.  Actually, you can skip that part about saying things to them and just go straight to the throat punching.  It’s like they say, “An intelligent exchange of ideas never solves anything.”
• Back when I was a bus driver for the corrections department, I picked up a lot of good tips on how to “get one over on the screws.”   One neat trick is to put all your drugs in a condom and then very carefully (making sure that it is completely sealed and will not break open by accident), shove it deep, deep into the inside pocket of your coat.  Apparently the guards almost never check those inside pockets.  Also, there’s this other one about how you can take an ordinary knife and fashion it into a perfectly serviceable toothbrush.  Now that I think about it, I might have heard wrong.
• I won’t pretend to be an expert on socio-political context as it pertains to our economic climate here in Canada, but I bet you dollars to donuts that just about anyone could beat Steven Harper in a fist fight.  He just doesn’t look like he’d be a good boxer.    
• Fine, I stole the lab coat and yes, I sneaked into the room but I tried to explain as calmly as possible to the patient that a man of my social standing and unimpeachable reputation doesn’t require some silly diploma to practice medicine.  In fact, I took his rude demands of proof to be a great insult. He wouldn’t relent and finally, I would have no more of it and promptly removed his appendix.  Or maybe his liver.  In any case, what’s so hard about dentistry anyway?
• I’ve often been described as a “renaissance man” because I bathe infrequently but also because I’m a prolific artist.  My artwork has been described as “ugly”, “poignant”, “stupid”, “perfect”, “amateurish”, “brilliant”. “pointless”, “downright sexy” and “displaying no discernable talent” but that just means I have to try harder and keep writing every second critique myself.
• I often ponder my former corporate life and wonder why I didn’t rise higher than I did.  Why didn’t I get the corner office?  Why didn’t I make the big bucks?  But then I remember that every day I would draw a stick man, write my boss’s name under it with a thought bubble above that read, “I’m stupid!  Duhhhhhh!”  Then I would walk into his office, hand it to him and say, “Your wife told me to give this to you.”
• It’s a well-known fact that dogs can smell fear.  That is why they are so seldom invited to events that feature public speaking.
• I always feel bad for the Jesus people who go door to door, spreading the good news that God is mad at us.  They always get doors slammed in their faces or told to get lost or end up the recipient of some other rude act.   To make up for that, I always try to make them feel welcome.  Whenever I see them coming, I strip naked, open the door and beckon them inside.   It’s what I like to call, “extending the olive branch”.
• All my years as a marine biologist had prepared me for exactly that moment, but when the waiter said I had to choose between lobster and crab, I panicked.