The War Prayer by Mark Twain

Something to keep in mind during this time of flag waving and drum beating... something to give us pause and reflect.

The War Prayer

by Mark Twain

It was a time of great and exalting excitement.

The country was up in arms, the war was on, in every breast burned the holy fire of patriotism; the drums were beating, the bands playing, the toy pistols popping, the bunched firecrackers hissing and sputtering; on every hand and far down the receding and fading spreads of roofs and balconies a fluttering wilderness of flags flashed in the sun; daily the young volunteers marched down the wide avenue gay and fine in their new uniforms, the proud fathers and mothers and sisters and sweethearts cheering them with voices choked with happy emotion as they swung by; nightly the packed mass meetings listened, panting, to patriot oratory which stirred the deepest deeps of their hearts and which they interrupted at briefest intervals with cyclones of applause, the tears running down their cheeks the while; in the churches the pastors preached devotion to flag and country and invoked the God of Battles, beseeching His aid in our good cause in outpouring of fervid eloquence which moved every listener.

It was indeed a glad and gracious time, and the half dozen rash spirits that ventured to disapprove of the war and cast a doubt upon its righteousness straightway got such a stern and angry warning that for their personal safety's sake they quickly shrank out of sight and offended no more in that way.

Sunday morning came – next day the battalions would leave for the front; the church was filled; the volunteers were there, their faces alight with material dreams – visions of a stern advance, the gathering momentum, the rushing charge, the flashing sabers, the flight of the foe, the tumult, the enveloping smoke, the fierce pursuit, the surrender! – then home from the war, bronzed heros, welcomed, adored, submerged in golden seas of glory! With the volunteers sat their dear ones, proud, happy, and envied by the neighbors and friends who had no sons and brothers to send forth to the field of honor, there to win for the flag or, failing, die the noblest of noble deaths. The service proceeded; a war chapter from the Old Testament was read; the first prayer was said; it was followed by an organ burst that shook the building, and with one impulse the house rose, with glowing eyes and beating hearts, and poured out that tremendous invocation – "God the all-terrible! Thou who ordainest, Thunder thy clarion and lightning thy sword!"

Then came the "long" prayer. None could remember the like of it for passionate pleading and moving and beautiful language. The burden of its supplication was that an ever-merciful and benignant Father of us all would watch over our noble young soldiers and aid, comfort, and encourage them in their patriotic work; bless them, shield them in His mighty hand, make them strong and confident, invincible in the bloody onset; help them to crush the foe, grant to them and to their flag and country imperishable honor and glory.

An aged stranger entered and moved with slow and noiseless step up the main aisle, his eyes fixed upon the minister, his long body clothed in a robe that reached to his feet, his head bare, his white hair descending in a frothy cataract to his shoulders, his seamy face unnaturally pale, pale even to ghastliness. With all eyes following him and wondering, he made his silent way; without pausing, he ascended to the preacher's side and stood there, waiting.

With shut lids the preacher, unconscious of his presence, continued his moving prayer, and at last finished it with the words, uttered in fervent appeal," Bless our arms, grant us the victory, O Lord our God, Father and Protector of our land and flag!"

The stranger touched his arm, motioned him to step aside – which the startled minister did – and took his place. During some moments he surveyed the spellbound audience with solemn eyes in which burned an uncanny light; then in a deep voice he said

"I come from the Throne – bearing a message from Almighty God!" The words smote the house with a shock; if the stranger perceived it he gave no attention. "He has heard the prayer of His servant your shepherd and grant it if such shall be your desire after I, His messenger, shall have explained to you its import – that is to say, its full import. For it is like unto many of the prayers of men, in that it asks for more than he who utters it is aware of – except he pause and think.

"God's servant and yours has prayed his prayer. Has he paused and taken thought? Is it one prayer? No, it is two – one uttered, the other not. Both have reached the ear of His Who hearth all supplications, the spoken and the unspoken. Ponder this – keep it in mind. If you beseech a blessing upon yourself, beware! lest without intent you invoke a curse upon a neighbor at the same time. If you pray for the blessing of rain upon your crop which needs it, by that act you are possibly praying for a curse upon some neighbor's crop which may not need rain and can be injured by it.

"You have heard your servant's prayer – the uttered part of it. I am commissioned by God to put into words the other part of it – that part which the pastor, and also you in your hearts, fervently prayed silently. And ignorantly and unthinkingly? God grant that it was so! You heard these words: 'Grant us the victory, O Lord our God!' That is sufficient. The whole of the uttered prayer is compact into those pregnant words. Elaborations were not necessary. When you have prayed for victory you have prayed for many unmentioned results which follow victory – must follow it, cannot help but follow it. Upon the listening spirit of God the Father fell also the unspoken part of the prayer. He commandeth me to put it into words. Listen!

"O Lord our Father, our young patriots, idols of our hearts, go forth to battle – be Thou near them! With them, in spirit, we also go forth from the sweet peace of our beloved firesides to smite the foe. O Lord our God, help us to tear their soldiers to bloody shreds with our shells; help us to cover their smiling fields with the pale forms of their patriot dead; help us to drown the thunder of the guns with the shrieks of their wounded, writhing in pain; help us to lay waste their humble homes with a hurricane of fire; help us to wring the hearts of their unoffending widows with unavailing grief; help us to turn them out roofless with their little children to wander unfriended the wastes of their desolated land in rags and hunger and thirst, sports of the sun flames of summer and the icy winds of winter, broken in spirit, worn with travail, imploring Thee for the refuge of the grave and denied it – for our sakes who adore Thee, Lord, blast their hopes, blight their lives, protract their bitter pilgrimage, make heavy their steps, water their way with their tears, stain the white snow with the blood of their wounded feet! We ask it, in the spirit of love, of Him Who is the Source of Love, and Who is ever-faithful refuge and friend of all that are sore beset and seek His aid with humble and contrite hearts. Amen.

(After a pause)

"Ye have prayed it; if ye still desire it, speak! The messenger of the Most High waits."

It was believed afterward that the man was a lunatic, because there was no sense in what he said.

An essay that appears to be (at best) a C- ethics paper.

I recently saw a news article on Facebook’s Newsfeed that was shared by another user.   Perhaps you’ve seen this article:  It concerned a South American man who turned himself into police for enabling the rape of his 1 year old son.   The article focused on how he was raped in prison by 20 inmates, sent to the hospital to be “stitched up” and then returned to the prison to be raped again, presumably by the same 20 prisoners.   The article contained a photograph of the man with numerous bandages covering his back and what appeared to be excessive blood stains on the seat of his pants.   I was not the least bit surprised to see that the article had thousands of “likes” and many comments stating that the man got what he deserved, that whatever punishment and degradation he endured was justifiable, compatible with his crime and in fact, how he deserved far worse.   

I cannot debate this viewpoint, because I am not sure that I disagree with it.   Any crime against a child is reprehensible so it is natural that these crimes evoke our deepest and basest emotions.  Even in our civilized society, when a crime involves a child, especially if the crime is of a sexual nature, then our view of justice goes beyond incarceration for the guilty party.  We not only applaud the vigilante justice meted out by violent criminals (prison inmates), we demand it and expect it, since jailhouse retribution for child molestation is a widely accepted form of punishment.  Again, I cannot debate the reaction many of us feel over events like this, but it still gives me pause, causing me to question why we react in this fashion to these types of crimes.

In this specific case, it should be noted that the man turned himself in to the authorities.   It is pure speculation as to what motivated him to do so but for all we know, it might have been guilt that drove him to surrender.   It should also be emphasised that he did not rape his own son, but enabled the rape to occur (much in the same way the guards and prison staff enabled the man to be repeatedly raped by his fellow inmates).   The article does not specify why the man allowed someone else to rape his son, but we can speculate that there had to be extenuating (but not necessarily justifiable) factors involved.  So, by indulging in purely speculative theorizing, we can construct a scenario where a penitent man, wracked with guilt, turns himself in to police and once incarcerated is tortured and violated by 20 criminals.   Regardless of how we feel about this man or what he did to “earn” that torture, we must refer to him as a victim himself.  So now the victim is so badly hurt that he must be sent to the hospital to have his wounds stitched together and upon his return is then raped 20 more times.   I would ask that just for a moment you consider this scenario, altered only slightly by speculation, and then in turn ask yourself, “Was justice served?”

You may at this point reply with a resounding affirmative and, as illustrated by the comments already made, say that he deserved worse.   In many cases, there has been a large public outcry for mandatory castration and/or sterilization for convicted child molesters.   Others have asked for the death penalty for these offenders.   In this specific case, I can safely say that such punishments are not justice.  As much as we wish to invoke Old Testament retribution when it comes to crimes against children, an eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth do not apply here.  Unless murder has been committed, death should not be the punishment.  So, to take the argument to its conclusion, if someone rapes, they should be raped in turn.   In the eyes of justice, that would serve.   But is justice the end goal?   Obviously not, since in the case of the man in the news article, he did not rape his son, but the overwhelming reaction is that he deserved to be raped and tortured.  So if it is not justice that we seek, what is it then?   

It might be argued that what we want is revenge.  Even though we have not been harmed, it is easy enough to imagine someone hurting our own child and since we can easily relate to the crime, our bloodthirstiness is awakened.   We applaud cruelty, torture, brutality and obviously even rape as justifiable actions.   We say that if a child is harmed, the perpetrator should be punished ten, twenty or forty fold.  Then, we add castration or murder and some don’t end there either.  Those of a certain religious bent assume the White Throne and condemn the accused to eternal perdition (more cruelty, torture, brutality, etc. unceasingly until the end of time.)  

     

Again, I am only questioning our behavior, not debating the rightness or wrongness of it.   In my defence, I must say that I believe it is worth questioning.   Our actions and thoughts and feelings when it comes to the treatment of wrong doers should be examined because we are members of a civilized society.   So, being civil minded, we know that no matter how much a child molester is raped and brutalized in prison, this has not been shown to be a deterrent.   So since it is not a deterrent and it is not justice, it could be simply an allowance to our baser natures to act out.    Since we must live lawfully, civilly, appropriately, within the bounds of society, perhaps our lust for violence is given an appropriate outlet (against those that hurt children).   After all, we allow the punishment to be handled by murderers, thieves, violent assaulters (and other rapists).  Do we imagine the prison inmates rape and brutalize child molesters because they all share a great love and protective, nurturing spirit toward children?  That they do this because it is their civic duty? 

Or perhaps they mete out their punishment because it is allowed and expected of them.   It’s a free pass to commit violence.   Maybe the same scenario applies to us when we applaud those actions.  We can inflict pain and punishment vicariously (as well as laudably).  Of course it is not without reason to suspect that inmates, no matter what their crimes (or their criminal natures) share the same feelings of vengeance and violence as we do, but are simply in a position where they can exact their actions on the victim.  

Qualities such as forgiveness, mercy, compassion and love do not enter the equation.  We accuse the guilty and excuse ourselves for abandoning the above aspects of our natures because it involves the harming of a child.   I don’t think we would ever view those emotions/actions as being the “weaker” or “lesser” qualities, but still, they seem to have no place when it comes to our wrathful natures against those that hurt children.  It is the unpardonable sin, the unforgiveable crime and the immutable line in the sand that cannot be crossed without the direst of consequences.  If it concerns our children, all bets are off.  Or should that really be the case? 

I think we can all agree that pedophilia or any kind of propensity that lends itself to harming a child is an unnatural aberration.   A normal, healthy person does not intentionally harm children.  Accepting this, we must recognize that we are dealing with a sickness and our focus should be on treatment, along with (rather than “instead of”) punishment.  I think that both retribution and rehabilitation must go hand in hand.  

One may argue that because I myself do not have children that I cannot relate to the issue at hand or be in any position to offer my own opinion.  I believe this to be a facile argument and a knee jerk rebuke.   I do not have children, but I was once one so I can certainly relate to the helplessness and innocence of a child.  To a much lesser degree, I don’t own a cat but I am still vehemently opposed to their mistreatment.   Empirical experience is not required in order to take a side, much more so to simply question why we stand where we do in regards to the retribution faced by child molesters.  Perhaps in so doing, we may end up changing our reactions and end up changing the behaviors of child molesters by recognizing the sickness before a crime has been commitment.   Another supposition may be that if the stigma of the crime is altered to that of a sickness, then those requiring treatment would be more apt to step forward rather than face the vilification in confessing to having those unnatural and disgusting desires.  I suppose the final questions is can we imagine ourselves evolving to the point where our higher natures govern not only our actions, but also our reactions when it comes to crimes against children?    

Some thoughts...

• When it comes to predictions, I’ve been almost perfect.  The only prediction that I really dropped the ball on was when I said that noogies would soon replace handshakes.  I tried to get that trend off the ground but it just never caught on.  Also, I don’t have many friends left.

• If I was ever going to become a criminal, I think I would choose to be a rustler.  Not many people would see that coming.   They’d be all cool and collected, tending to their cattle when all of a sudden they would say, “What the heck, we’re missing 2 cows!  What could have happened?!”  I’ll tell you what happened… a rustler happened.  

• I think the best answer to any question is, “Shut your stupid mouth”.  Unless the question is, “Will you marry me?”  Then the best answer is, “What’s in it for me?”

• Whenever girls laugh at me, it’s pretty clear that they find extreme sexiness hilarious.  

• I think my lack of popularity is due to the fact that I continually ask women when the baby is due when they aren’t pregnant.  

• Whenever I meet someone and they say that they’re “very pleased to meet me” I always hold up my hand and say, “Whoa buddy, you’re trying WAY too hard.”

• On a scale of 1 to 10, where 1 is the lowest and 10 is the highest, I would say that a 5 is pretty much right in the middle.

• People who live in glass houses should not throw stones.  But people who live in houses that are made of ordinary building materials should not throw stones either.   Throwing stones is just plain rude AND dangerous.  Someone could lose an eye.

• As you know, I abhor racism, unless it’s against the filthy Austrians, who pretty much everyone hates.   Also, I can’t stand the strawberry part of Neapolitan ice cream, which, despite the name, was probably invented by the Austrians.   FK out!

• You know who really gets a bad rap?  Psychopath clowns.  Sure they’re scary, but they’re just doing their job.

• As a male prostitute, sometimes I have to do things that I really don’t want to.  Like stay up after ten o’clock at night.  That’s number 1 on my list.  Number 2 would probably be the whole having sex with strangers thing.  Other than that, I can’t complain.

• Did you know that Ghandi always tried to find a peaceful solution to any problem but as a backup plan, he advocated punching people in the throat.

• One of things that I love to do is sneak up on people and gently place KFC chicken skin on top of their heads.  The funny part is when they don’t notice it till much later.   Hee hee hee.    
• If you ever find yourself in a situation where your companion happens to have a less than pleasant body odor or a bad case of halitosis, tell them, “If anyone asks what that smell is, I’m totally ratting you out.”

• If you’re ever eating at a really fancy restaurant, don’t be afraid to order stuff that isn’t on the menu.  For instance, you should always order Jello pudding for dessert.  

• When someone tells me I’m too big for my britches, I tell them that I intend to start dieting very soon.   Then I go and buy bigger britches.

• If you own a big red dog, you’re pretty much obligated to call him “Clifford”.

• So then I asked, “Since when is murder a crime?”  Apparently since forever.  Here’s some advice for you… do NOT hire me as your lawyer.

• You know what I like best about weasels?  They’re really sneaky.

• I think some people can be overly sensitive, especially when you try to compliment them on their pretty little mouths.  Also, have you noticed that the word “creepy” is thrown around way too much?

Thoughts...

• Isn’t it ironic that I have no idea what irony is?   No, I guess it isn’t.

• I’m really getting sick and tired of people gushing about how cute dogs are when I’m standing right there.   I find it pretty rude that people don’t tell me how I’m such a good boy!   I am!

• I can’t help but get nervous when my highly educated doctor, who prescribes medicines that determine not only my health, but my very survival, uses the word “irregardless”.

• You know what just doesn’t pan out anymore?  Pretending that the finger you’re pointing inside your jacket pocket is a gun.   People just don’t have a lot of trust nowadays, not like in The Flintstones where it seemed to work every time.  It just goes to show that TV, while being an excellent babysitter, is also sometimes a big liar.   Also, if anyone has any bail money handy, that would be super.

• Whenever I think a job interview isn’t going all that well, I’ll pick 3 random objects from the employer’s desk and begin to juggle them.   Then I’ll say, “I bet those other candidates can’t do this!!!”   But it never quite works out as planned because I never learned to juggle.

• You know who I discovered is a real douche bag?  That emperor Caligula.  I was just reading about him and all the nasty stuff he used to do and I just wish I could go back in time so I could confront him about it.   You know what I would call him?  You guessed it… a douche bag.

• I bet the best thing about having a really big nose is that you can smell trouble a mile away.  Also, when it’s your turn to snort a line of cocaine, you’ll make everyone jealous!

• Not many people are aware that I can be a really competitive person.   That’s why I always get the last word in and end every conversation by saying, “Check mate” with a really smug look on my face.   I like everyone to know that I just got something over on them, even if, technically, we were just talking about the weather or something.

• Whenever I’m at a cocktail party and end up gassy from drinking too many fancy drinks like “Manhattans”, “Cosmopolitans” and “Whiskey”, I cover up by loudly accusing the hostess of “continually farting”.    Sometimes being a waiter is a tough job to hang onto.

• Do you ever wish upon a star and immediately afterward that exact same star turns red and falls from the sky?  Me neither, but I bet that would serve as a pretty definitive “no” in regards to your wish.

• My mom once told me that a gentleman should always carry a handkerchief with him at all times just in case a lady cries.   I think that’s good advice but the problem is that you might find yourself carrying around that handkerchief for a long time until you find yourself around a woman in tears.  Fortunately I’ve learned that as a shortcut, you can always say, “Those pants make you look really fat.”  Then you’ll be ready to go with that handkerchief!  Which, incidentally, also works on your own bloody nose if you get punched for saying that stuff about the pants.

• I think that most women agree that the one feature that never fails to attract them to a man is when he has “crazy eyes”.

• When it comes to different styles of walking, nothing beats the “sashay”.   Except for maybe a good old fashioned “strut” as long as it’s done right.  Now that I think about it, I think the very best walk is when someone walks into something and they tumble to the ground, clutching their broken nose.  Yeah, those are definitely the best.

• If I was ever to re-animate a dead body, I would name him “Angelina Jolie.”  I bet that would really upset Angelina Jolie, the actress.    I would laugh and tell her, “I bet it’s tough now that you’re not the only Angelina Jolie in town!”  I really wish I knew how to raise the dead because I have a ton of good lines about Angelina Jolie.

• Every time somebody says something stupid, I just want to haul off and punch them in the face.   But then I always take a deep breath, count to ten and remind myself that sometimes when people get punched in the face they’ll hit back and I am NOT cool with that!

• Not a lot of people know this, but I suffer from really high self-esteem.    Even when I do something really shitty, I still feel pretty good about myself.  Another clear cut sign is when I walk into a room and everyone stops talking and they all have a guilty look on their face.  I automatically assume they were just talking about how great they think I am.

• Once I was accused of “having a lot of nerve” but then I explained that we all have a lot of nerves.  Billions of them.   Then I informed them that if they had any other questions about the human body they could just use Wikipedia.   It’s an excellent source of information.    Also, fuck off.

• When a bunch of guys get together to play sports, we will often break off into teams consisting of “shirts” and “skins”, but when a bunch of women get together to play sports, instead of breaking off into teams, they just sit around and talk about their nails and fashion magazines.   HAHAHAHAHA!!!!!! Total burn on women and sports!!!  HAHAHAHAHA!!!!   What isn’t funny is when just about every woman I know is better at sports than I am.   Stupid athletic women.

• When I’m having a meaningful conversation with someone, I’ll often say, “It’s like that old saying…” and leave it at that.  Then the other person will say, “What?  It’s like what old saying?”  And then I’ll squint my eyes at them in an accusing manner and reply, “Don’t play dumb with me.”   It’s funny how just about every meaningful conversation ends with hurt feelings.

• I got a spot right in front for the funeral and when they were lowering the casket, I turned to the guy beside me and whispered, “No offence to the departed or anything, but I heard he was a real dick.”  Then the guy got all red in the face and said, “He was my brother!”  And so I whispered back, “Sorry, I meant to say that his brother is a real dick.”

• I’m not an expert on etiquette or anything, but I do know that when you meet someone for the first time, you shouldn’t grab them and try to start wrestling.  I know I wouldn’t like it very much.

• I wonder if really large men get annoyed when they’re described as being “a mountain of a man.”  I bet that would get old pretty quick.

• I’ve found that it can be difficult going through life with no moral compass.  Or a regular compass for that matter.   I frequently get lost while doing the wrong thing.  

• In accessing my current skill set, I believe that I would make an excellent hostage negotiator because I have a very calm and soothing voice.   I’m also very good at speaking in an authoritative tone when I tell the other police, “This is MY crime scene!  I’m in charge here!”   And if things get rough with the perp (that’s what we call the perpetrators, it’s just an abbreviation because we use the word quite often and saying the whole thing gets tiring) I wouldn’t hesitate to draw my service revolver (the one I keep hidden in my ankle holster) and shooting the perp so he can’t harm others.   I have to admit that I get a lot of my information about my own skills from movies.

Meaningful postulations

• One of the things that I like to do if I’m sitting in a waiting room is to look over at someone else, cup my hands around my mouth and go, “CA-CAW!  CA-CAW!”  Then I’ll repeat it a few seconds later.  “CA-CAW!  CA-CAW!”  Then I’ll fake whisper to them, “You forgot the signal again!”  Which just goes to show that I would make an awesome secret agent.

• Most people don’t realize that I can be a real hothead.   One of the things that really makes me fly off the handle is when people automatically assume that I’m either a male model or a movie star.   It just burns me up!   On an unrelated topic, you know what’s a really fun thing to do?  Using only your imagination, pretend that everyone thinks you’re super good looking.

• If you ever see someone getting caught on fire, like especially below the waist, you should turn to the person next to you and say, “I bet that guy’s a liar.”  If they have any kind of sense of humor, you can share a good laugh.   But chances are they might just scream, “Call 9-1-1!!!!  That poor man is on fire!!!”

• Being a really quick thinker has gotten me out of quite a few jams in my day.   Like one time, this guy asked me to borrow 5 bucks but instead of lending him the money or coming up with some kind of excuse why I couldn’t, I threw a handful of sand into his face and ran away.   As I ran, I heard him say, “What kind of an idiot keeps a pocket full of sand???!!!”   An idiot with 5 bucks, that’s who.

• I’m a really good guy to have around in case there’s a crisis or some kind of emergency.  A lot of leaders will remain calm and make sound decisions, but that isn’t my style.   My approach involves running around with flailing arms and my high pitched hysterical screaming makes everyone around me realize that an emergency is taking place.  It puts them on high alert, which is where they should be during a crisis.

• If I were ever elected President of the World, the first thing on my list would be to find an appropriate place for my throne.   Probably Mount Olympus, but my number two choice is somewhere in the ruins of the Empire State Building.   I realize that the Empire State Building is still standing, but I would knock that building down, first to show the world that I mean business and second, because it would distract them from the fact that I don’t have a lot of ideas.   Except, of course, some great ideas involving knocking stuff down.

• If you’re ever in a situation where you’re with someone and there’s an awkward silence, try this as a conversation starter:  “Hey, what’s up with those birds?  Crazy stuff, right?”   If they act like they have no idea what you’re talking about, try making up a good story involving birds.  That should help get things rolling.

• They estimated the property damage at well over 10 million dollars, the number of wounded was close to a hundred and most experts agree that after all is said and done, those involved would require months, if not years, of therapy.   Which just goes to show that you should never run with scissors.   Oh wait, did I forget to mention that part of the story where I was running with scissors?   Well, I was and just look what happened!

• Sometimes I find that I don’t get the attention that I deserve so I’ve taken to carrying a whip (much like Indiana Jones).   The only problem is that I don’t know how to use it properly so I always end up screaming, “Hey, give me some attention!!” and then I throw the whip at someone’s head.   The downside is that I always have to politely ask that person to “please give me that whip back.”  I’m thinking of getting a gun.   Just to fire some shots into the air before I say something profound.   That seems like an idea without a trace of flaws.

• People in the business world appreciate those special types who play by their own rules.     For instance, when I go into a business meeting, I bring a hamburger with me and when it looks like someone is going to ask me a question, I take a huge bite.   Then I hold up a finger while I’m chewing, giving them the impression that I’ll answer as soon as I finish my mouthful of tasty hamburger.   Then, once I’m done, I take another big bite.   The thing is, I hate meetings.
• Interestingly enough, people who suffer from gigantism never tire of people saying, “Hey, how’s the weather up there?”  Apparently they think it’s hilarious.   As my way of saying thank you for their positive attitude, here are some slogans that Giants should feel free to use:  Giants:  nature’s way of saying that sometimes good things also come in big packages.  Giants: Like elephants and sperm whales, giants are also good.  Giants:  Nowadays they never say “fee fie fo fum”, instead they say, “I have incredibly painful hips from abnormal growth spurts.”  Giants, you should think about them often.

• Here’s a good way to end an awkward conversation:   When the other person leans in, make a face like you want to vomit and say, “Do you let your cat poop in your mouth?”  Now that I think about it, that’s a great way to begin a conversation before it gets awkward.  I might as well confess that I have trouble making new friends.

• When I go to a party, I like to put about 10 pieces of bubble gum in my mouth and go up to a stranger and mumble, “I’m going for the World Record for the largest bubble ever made from 10 pieces of bubble gum.”  Then I’ll purposely spit the entire wad of gum into their hair.  Then I’ll apologize by saying, “Oh well, at least I still hold the world record for being a lot cooler than you.”   My only regret is not attending more parties.  Possibly you could invite me more?  Think it over.

• I’m a very discerning movie lover.  Like after the cable guy has all that sex with the lonely housewife, I would like to see him actually fix the cable.

• If you’ve ever seen me get into a fight, you may wonder why I always pause to take off my shoes and socks.  It’s not because I’m trained in some esoteric martial art, it’s because I leave my toenails really long and pointy.   Be warned, if I’m coming at you feet first, be prepared for a flurry of sharp toe nails ready to rip you to shreds.   Sometimes, if I’m too tired to leap at you, I may just lie down on my back and lazily kick at the air, daring you to approach.   In my opinion, it comes across as being very daunting and even frightening.   Also, I apparently don’t have a shred of dignity left.

• Most people know that when I go to the clubs, I do a lot of hip thrusting when I dance.  The ladies sure appreciate that, but sometimes it isn’t enough to “seal the deal” if you know what I mean.   Sure, driving a hot car like maybe a “Turismo” and wearing fancy “threads” helps, but the secret is (and I cannot stress this enough) is to build up a tolerance to pepper spray.  Otherwise you’re just going to be another lame-o dancin’ so-lo.    Words to live by for all you hot mamas and pimp daddies!   Sometimes I secretly wish that I wasn’t as cool as I am… but not often.

• Here’s a good tip:  If you’re going to threaten someone by saying that you’ll stab them in the neck with a syringe, make sure you actually have a syringe.  Otherwise they’ll just call your bluff.  Then you’ll look like a real putz, trying to stab them with a pencil or your keys or whatever you have handy.

• One of the things that you should know about me is I’m a big time soccer hooligan. For instance, when my club (Britannia Community Pee Wee Team – The Hawks, ages 9 to 12) are playing our arch rivals (Mayfield Community Pee Wee Team – The Cougars) I always show up blitzed out of my mind and chanting, “OLE, OLE, OLE, OLE) and then throw a lawn chair at the referee (Mrs. Mary Williamson).  Even though all the parents and the police have told me to “just stay home…please” I don’t.  They just can’t seem to grasp my commitment to hooliganism.    I don’t even know any of the players, or the rules or why they don’t just pick up the ball and run with it because that would make a lot more sense.  Anyway, OLE!

• Sometimes, you just have to do the right thing.  For instance, people wearing fur don’t really bother me in an ethical sense, but that doesn’t stop me from throwing paint on them.   And even though I eat meat, when I see someone eating a hamburger, I still like to stand right beside them and scream “MURDERER!!!” over and over.   Also, if I catch someone jaywalking, I call 911 to report them.  I’m a real do-gooder.  Also, watch your back.

• If you’re going to greet everybody by saying, “Hey Hot Stuff!” you should make sure that you still do it to people who, let’s be honest, aren’t that hot.   If you call out “Hey Hot Stuff!” and some unattractive person is nearby, you shouldn’t shout, “I wasn’t talking to you!  Obviously you’re not that hot!  I mean, maybe you have a nice personality, but that still doesn’t change the fact that you aren’t very good looking!  Don’t get me wrong, I’m sure some people may have told you that you are an attractive person but they were probably just being nice and bending the truth a little so your feelings weren’t hurt!  Sometimes people will tell a little fib with the best of intentions!  I’m sure you have a lot going for you outside of the looks department!  I bet you’re very talented in other areas of your life!  Anyway, hi!”   As you can see, that kind of a greeting would take way too long so obviously you should just call everyone Hot Stuff.  Or, you could just say “hi” and leave out the whole Hot Stuff part.  That would work too.

• Ever notice that when you see someone really good looking, they always remind you of me?   I bet that happens to you all the time.

Just some more stuff on my noggin

• Sometimes when nature gets too big for its britches by having tornadoes and volcanic eruptions, I like to turn the tables by going to the zoo and throwing my poo at the monkeys.    Let’s see how nature likes that. 
• If I could have any job, I would be a matador.   But I wouldn’t fight bulls, I would fight kids who have temper tantrums.   That would be hilarious, watching those kids run into my red cape time and time again until they tuckered themselves out.  Then when it was nap time I would eat their lunchables while they were passed out.  Ole!  
• Recently in the Senate, there has been a lot of debate about what the best super power is.   Many favour super strength or the ability to fly and they make some pretty good arguments, but be on the lookout for those guys who want x-ray vision or the ability to be invisible.   Those guys definitely wouldn’t use those powers for good.  Hint: they are probably perverts.   I think if I had those powers, I could be trusted because I’m generally beyond reproach.   
• Sometimes I think the best thing about moths is that they like banging into lights.   Over and over again, like they’re completely stupid or something.
• Lions are known as “The king of the jungle” but the thing is, lions really don’t spend a lot of time in jungles.   They mostly hang out in those grassy plains in Africa chasing gazelles and what not.  You know who the real king of the jungle is?  Probably some really smart monkey.  That would be my guess.
• The worst thing about endangering your own existence by messing with the space/time continuum is
• I for one am dreading the day that puppies and kittens make the next evolutionary leap and take vengeance on their owner/overlords by shooting laser beams from their eyes.    Wait, can I change my answer from “dreading” to “greatly anticipating”?
• If you ever find yourself with access to a time machine, don’t go back to the days of the dinosaurs.   It’s essentially the same thing as camping.   Except you might run into a dinosaur.
• I would have been a world class gymnast but I could never master any of the moves, especially the straightforward summersault. It’s a shame too, because I was always excellent at getting my hands all chalky.
• Sure, we all get into minor disagreements with others.  That’s just a fact of life.  But I bet it would really kick things up a notch if every time you disagreed with someone, you had to duel with them to the death.  Like, even if the disagreement is over a parking space.  I posit that this would make us much more polite as a society.   Discuss.  
• It’s a little known fact that 90% of the people in Japan are named “Mr. Roboto.”   That’s one of the main reasons they’re such an industrious people.  That and they eat a lot of sugary snacks.   Have you ever noticed that facts are stupid?   
• If there’s one thing that advanced algebra has taught me is that if we’re ever under attack by an army of zombies, the first thing I’m going to do is change into a werewolf.   Those zombies would be all, “Whaaaaat?” 
• By the way, everything I’ve just typed is about real stuff.  Except the part about learning something from algebra.  
• Have you noticed that not a lot of babies are being named “Gregory” nowadays?   Kind of a shame really.   Also, “Floyd” is really on the ropes in terms of being a top notch first name.   Maybe we should make a rule that no one is allowed to just make shit up when it comes to baby names.   Anyway, give it some thought when you get a chance.
• There are some comparisons that only work one way.  Like no one ever looks at a baby’s butt and says, “That’s as smooth as my recently shaved face!” Also worth noting:  you shouldn’t ever look at a baby’s butt, but if you do, keep your remarks to yourself.   
• If you ever find yourself kidnapped and dragged off to a foreign country, only to wake up to discover that you have to participate in a Greco Roman style wrestling match to the death, my advice is to get onto the mat and then whip out a switchblade and say, “Let’s dance motherfucker.”  That kind of coarse language, along with the switchblade, will really intimidate your opponent.   Let’s say, just for argument sake, that you don’t have a switchblade on you, or perhaps the kidnappers took your lucky switchblade away before the match, then my suggestion is instead of following the regular rules of Greco Roman style wrestling where biting isn’t allowed, is to bite them.   Obviously I’ve given this a fair bit of thought but really, it all boils down to common sense.  
•  Here’s a scenario for you to consider: If my life depended on me being dressed up like a transvestite, I wouldn’t say that I would be the prettiest gal out there, but let’s at least agree that you could do a lot worse.  Wink.  
• If I was a wasp, I would only buzz around people with curly hair, just to give them a complex.  They would wave their hands and arms around, trying to get rid of me, frantically asking, “Why are you only buzzing around me?!?!”  Then I would go right by their ears and say, “It’s because of your hair.  Hee hee hee.”   Oh, you know what else I wish for?   I wish I had more free time. 
• Whenever I get to the front of a long line at the store and I inform the clerk that I “forgot” my wallet, I will turn the person behind me and ask them to pay for my stuff.  If they act all snooty about it I say, “Hey cheapskate, if you’re so poor maybe you should ask your mom to bump your allowance.”   That almost never shuts them up but causes even more trouble.  Sometimes enough trouble for me to sneak out of the store during the melee and then nobody has to pay for my stuff.   It’s a win-win.
• Always carry a pencil with you!   You never know when you might find yourself at a crime scene and need to pick up some evidence without contaminating the scene with your fingerprints.   Also, they’re good for poking people if you need some attention.  Then, when they turn around ask them, “Do you think I would get lead poisoning if I ate this entire pencil?”  Then quickly follow up with this other question, “Hey, how much will you give me to eat this pencil?”  Based on my experience in these matters, you might find yourself walking away with a cool five bucks.

Random thoughts and ramblings...

• I’m not sure I’m what people call a trend setter, but just between you and me, be on the lookout for people referring to their jeans as “cowboy trousers.”  I started that.
• Whenever I find myself at a high society cocktail party, I don’t like to discuss art, politics or history, because all those things are lame.  What I do like, however, is comic strips.   Sometimes I get so passionate about it that I’ll interrupt a group of people talking about something boring and say, “Did you guys check out the latest Marmaduke comic strip?  That dog is CRAZY!”   I’m what you might call, “a breath of fresh air” and I bet those richies appreciate that.
• I’m pretty sure it’s a compliment when a woman says, “After seeing you naked, I’m surprised you don’t drive an expensive sports car.”  I usually reply (with a sexy wink), “Thanks, I think you’re super cool too.”
• If I had to go through life with only one kind of vase, I would pick a Ming Vase.  Those seem to be the best on the market.   Also, when it comes to decorative, bejewelled eggs, I always choose Faberge.  Those bastards really know how to make a goddamn egg.  Also, if I had to pick the best all-boy chorale singing in Austria, nobody even comes close to the Vienna Boys Choir.  Those little kids can bang out a tune like it’s nobody’s  business.   Basically, I hate taking a controversial stance on anything.  
• Don’t mess around with your health because you never know if you’ll catch some kind of stupid disease.   I don’t have to worry about that stuff because I’ve purchased all kinds of back up organs on the black market.  If something goes, I’ve got a replacement handy because you never know when you’re going to need a spare liver or two.     So if you ever run across someone bragging about how great their kidneys are, let me know and I’ll keep my eye on them.  Y’know, just in case.    
• If you have dandruff, the first thing you should do is feel dirty and ashamed.   Then, after a good long while, you can start to do something about it, like buy an anti-dandruff shampoo.  I’m not a doctor or anything, but you can trust just about everything I say.   Plus, on a related topic, most doctors agree that the first thing you should do if you find out that you’ve contracted genital herpes is to first keep silent and then after that, lie about it.
•  Most people know me as the guy who invented kitten and puppy death match fighting matches but I have a softer side that people often overlook.    For instance, one of the things that I love most is just watching a sunset or listening to some fine piano concertos.  Now that you know that, don’t you feel guilty about judging me over the whole kitten/puppy thing?
• I used to wonder why everyone would aim at me during Dodgeball games, but fortunately my mom cleared that up by explaining that they were just jealous of me being so handsome.  Apparently that’s also the reason I didn’t go out on dates.
• Sometimes I like to walk around wearing really huge headphones and approach people, asking them in an overly loud voice for directions.   When they answer, I yell back, “I can’t hear you because I’m listening to really loud music!!!”  If they make a face or something, I usually follow up by yelling again, “Do you like Glen Campbell?”  Then I’ll yell it again even louder, “I said do you like the country singer Glen Campbell?”  Then I’ll wait for a second or two and shout, “I hate Glen Campbell!  I’m listening to Mozart!!!”   People generally get a kick out of me.
• If you ever think that life can’t possibly get any weirder, just think about that time a huge sea monster ate a submarine full of bison.   There’s a slim chance that might have been a dream.  But still, even if it was just a dream… pretty weird huh?  
• Whenever I go to the gym, I’ll go up to some huge muscle bound dude and ask him how much he can “bench”.   No matter what he says, I reply, “That’s not what your mom told me.”   The great thing about mom jokes is that they work in every single situation.  Like if you’re waiting for the bus and someone asks what time it is, just say, “Your mom is fat.”   Jokes are funny.
• Do you think the Boogie Man got his name because he really likes to boogie?   If that’s the case, there’s really nothing to be afraid of.  Personally, I would be more scared of the Line Dancing Man.  
• If you’re ever bored one afternoon, head on down to the ice rink with a handful of marbles.   Just launch those babies right onto the ice and wait for the hilarity to ensue!  
• If you ever pass someone walking their dog, you should exclaim in a loud voice, “I can’t remember the last time I ate a dog! You just can’t get good dog around here!” Dog owners love that kind of stuff. Although in all seriousness, I’ve heard that in certain places in the world, eating dog is really frowned upon. You know what you should have instead? Chicken nuggets. Or, if you're a vegetarian, try some sprouts. I have no idea what those are but they sound delicious.
• The biggest trick you can pull off in a job interview is to maintain eye contact and to keep a straight face when you tell them that “being sexy” is your greatest strength.   If they ask you what your greatest weakness is, say, “Right now… you.”  Then wink at them.  
• I don’t know about you guys, but whenever I’m lost in the woods and come across a gingerbread house, I always think about Hansel and Gretel.   Every. Single. Time.
• “If I could be any character from Game of Thrones, I would be Han Solo.”   And then I was chased by a gang of furious nerds.   Fortunately their virginity slowed them down long enough for me to escape.  Just kidding nerds… we’re good right?  May the force let you live long and prosper.  
• One of the things that really gets my goat is when people sneak into my yard and steal my goat.  HAHAHAHAHAHA  Oh man, it doesn’t get any better than that.
• Technically speaking, I’m a ghost hunter.  But strictly catch and release, because that’s the sportsmanlike way to do it.   Unless it’s a real trophy quality ghost… those ones I stuff and mount on my wall. Even though you can’t see them with your inferior mortal eyes.
• After spending months learning Spanish, my favorite phrase to use is probably, “Hey chicka, do you want to do the boom-boom?”  Which means,
“Can you please tell me where the library is?”  The Spanish are a very passionate people when it comes to their libraries.