I think that we can all agree that in every single aspect imaginable, dogs are better than kids. A dog can be trained to “sit” “stay” and “hurry up and do your business so I can go back inside” whereas a child can not be trained in any of those things. Some of you will probably say, “That is an unfair comparison and you shouldn’t make kids poop outside in the yard.” I am quite sure that even more of you will argue that your own child is “special” and “gifted” and will sit and stay on command and even shake a paw. Then you’ll go on and on about how your 3 year old can already read at a grade 2 level and how their stupid drawings are really artistic and junk. Then you’ll whip out some sappy picture of them holding up a fish, looking all proud like they just won the Nobel Prize. You parents just make me sick.
Not that any of you sanctimonious know it all parents will ever agree with me, but the facts about dogs vs. kids is plain as day. Sure, dogs have their drawbacks, but let’s stack those side by side and see who comes out the winner.
Doggie Drawback: A dog cannot communicate with words.
Kiddie Drawback: A kid cannot communicate with words and doesn’t even have a tail that they can wag.
Doggie Drawback: A dog can bark at anything, at anytime.
Kiddie Drawback: A kid can pitch a fit at anytime, anyplace and if they do it long enough, onlookers will call social services on you.
Doggie Drawback: A dog can have a “mistake” in the house.
Kiddie Drawback: Anytime a kid goes potty in his pants, it’s a mistake that someone else has to clean up and it smells a hell of a lot worse than a dog’s mistake.
Doggie Drawback: A dog will sniff a stranger’s crotch.
Kiddie Drawback: A kid will loudly exclaim in front of a stranger, “Mommy, what’s wrong with that lady’s face?!?!”
So far, even with the dog’s bad points, they still come out on top. Before I elaborate even further with iron clad arguments, let me explain the reason behind this post. I was witness to even more proof to my theory as a woman was walking with her snot nosed little brat beside her and a man was walking toward her with his harmless little doggie. As the two pairs met, the man and woman began to chat about something and suddenly the little doggie grasped the woman’s leg and attempted to, well, hump it. The woman screamed and I attempted to help by pointing and laughing. The woman then shook the dog off, sending the ball of fur tumbling away in unrequited love while the she-devil woman screeched to the man, “That dog tried to rape me!!!!” Then her adorable little whippersnapper in Oshbegosh coveralls began to wail like a demented little Satan and ran off down the street. The woman then pointed her evil finger at the man and yelled, “Look what you did to my son! He’s so upset!” She took off after her son, who was probably going to the store to yank stuff off the shelves and stomp on them while I went across the street and patted the dog on the head, “Good Dog” I said.
It could be posited that while dogs are cuter and better behaved than children, that dog will never grow up and become another Einstein. But let’s face it, your kid will probably never grow up to be another Einstein either, no matter how proud he looks holding up that stupid fish that some adult probably helped him catch. No, a dog will not grow up and solve world hunger or cure cancer, but so far, no grown up kid has done that either.
Truly, the list of positives that I could summarize regarding dogs and how they basically kick kid’s asses is long and would involve many humorous anecdotes but let’s get right to brass tacks: let’s talk money. A dog will cost you about 50 bucks a month, while a kid, assuming he plays a sport well enough to gain admission to college, will cost you roughly 15,000 a month, not including legal fees and bail money. It’s simple economics.
Before you angry parents out there write me long winded letters stained with peanut butter and jam about how great kids are, let me just brilliantly conclude this post with a simple pat on your head, “Good parent, who’s a good parent, why you are, oh yes you are!”
Next post: Why the next generation are a bunch of morons and the world is doomed because all they know how to do is spend their parent’s money, obsess about celebrities, deal dope and tweet on twitter.
Not that any of you sanctimonious know it all parents will ever agree with me, but the facts about dogs vs. kids is plain as day. Sure, dogs have their drawbacks, but let’s stack those side by side and see who comes out the winner.
Doggie Drawback: A dog cannot communicate with words.
Kiddie Drawback: A kid cannot communicate with words and doesn’t even have a tail that they can wag.
Doggie Drawback: A dog can bark at anything, at anytime.
Kiddie Drawback: A kid can pitch a fit at anytime, anyplace and if they do it long enough, onlookers will call social services on you.
Doggie Drawback: A dog can have a “mistake” in the house.
Kiddie Drawback: Anytime a kid goes potty in his pants, it’s a mistake that someone else has to clean up and it smells a hell of a lot worse than a dog’s mistake.
Doggie Drawback: A dog will sniff a stranger’s crotch.
Kiddie Drawback: A kid will loudly exclaim in front of a stranger, “Mommy, what’s wrong with that lady’s face?!?!”
So far, even with the dog’s bad points, they still come out on top. Before I elaborate even further with iron clad arguments, let me explain the reason behind this post. I was witness to even more proof to my theory as a woman was walking with her snot nosed little brat beside her and a man was walking toward her with his harmless little doggie. As the two pairs met, the man and woman began to chat about something and suddenly the little doggie grasped the woman’s leg and attempted to, well, hump it. The woman screamed and I attempted to help by pointing and laughing. The woman then shook the dog off, sending the ball of fur tumbling away in unrequited love while the she-devil woman screeched to the man, “That dog tried to rape me!!!!” Then her adorable little whippersnapper in Oshbegosh coveralls began to wail like a demented little Satan and ran off down the street. The woman then pointed her evil finger at the man and yelled, “Look what you did to my son! He’s so upset!” She took off after her son, who was probably going to the store to yank stuff off the shelves and stomp on them while I went across the street and patted the dog on the head, “Good Dog” I said.
It could be posited that while dogs are cuter and better behaved than children, that dog will never grow up and become another Einstein. But let’s face it, your kid will probably never grow up to be another Einstein either, no matter how proud he looks holding up that stupid fish that some adult probably helped him catch. No, a dog will not grow up and solve world hunger or cure cancer, but so far, no grown up kid has done that either.
Truly, the list of positives that I could summarize regarding dogs and how they basically kick kid’s asses is long and would involve many humorous anecdotes but let’s get right to brass tacks: let’s talk money. A dog will cost you about 50 bucks a month, while a kid, assuming he plays a sport well enough to gain admission to college, will cost you roughly 15,000 a month, not including legal fees and bail money. It’s simple economics.
Before you angry parents out there write me long winded letters stained with peanut butter and jam about how great kids are, let me just brilliantly conclude this post with a simple pat on your head, “Good parent, who’s a good parent, why you are, oh yes you are!”
Next post: Why the next generation are a bunch of morons and the world is doomed because all they know how to do is spend their parent’s money, obsess about celebrities, deal dope and tweet on twitter.
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