I’m a very charitable person. The other day while I was walking to the homeless shelter to hand out orphans or something, it occurred to me that I may be too generous for my own good. One time I bought a can of corn and put it in the food bank bin and was feeling pretty darn good about myself until I got home and suddenly had a real craving for some corn. But instead of enjoying some quality canned corn, I had to do without while some hungry homeless person was chowing down. Obviously that isn’t right. So I ordered a large pizza, ate a couple pieces and threw the rest away. I did that to balance out the universe so our world wouldn’t be thrown into chaos. No thanks are necessary.
My generous spirit was once again made manifest when I performed my twice monthly ritual of staring at my pay stub and weeping bitterly. Apparently, in some mad fit of charitable goodness, I decided to give away a third of my money to the government. I don’t remember offering, but I must have, because if someone takes your money without asking that is called stealing and obviously the government wouldn’t do something like that.
I got to thinking about taxes and you may think that this lead to more weeping and possibly gnashing of teeth and the odd blood curdling scream, but no, it all made sense to me. The pieces all fell into place. Taxes make sense. I mean, I really should pay the government as a way of saying thanks for letting me work, sometimes up to 60 hours a week.
When we elect a government, we are essentially saying to them, “Congratulations, you now own the country and everything in it. Thanks for letting me live here.” So if you use gasoline, you have to pay tax on it, because the government owns the ground and everything under it. If you use their stuff, you have to pay for it. Fair is fair.
Whenever I buy something, I have to pay the government, because it’s theirs. Even if it was made in China, which nowadays, everything is. Because when that stuff hits Canadian Soil, ownership reverts to the government. Which, of course, is the natural way things work. Like when you were a kid and you accidentally kicked your ball into the neighbor’s yard and the crotchety old lady who lived there said, “It’s my ball now” and then slithered back into her house to add the ball to her collection. Same principle.
And they tax my cigarettes a lot, like really a lot, because that helps to pay for all the sick people that my cigarettes are hurting, like that guy who was hit by a car. I suppose that’s a bad example, a better one would be all the people who are over 70 years old who live in various parts of the country, accounting for 70% of all health care costs because they go to the hospital once a week, which of course is caused by my second hand smoke. The government is looking out for its people and makes sure that everything is even steven and believe you me, looking out for every single person in the country ain’t cheap.
So if you think about the thousands of taxes that we pay, don’t get upset and try to figure out a way not to pay them. If you don’t pay your taxes you get arrested and thrown in jail where all the other tax payers have to pay to keep you fed and stuff. That wouldn’t be fair to the other people who don’t get to go to jail and have to pay taxes.
Plus, the government gives you money back every year at income tax time. Unless you didn’t give them enough, then you have to pay them more, but whatever. The fact is, the government has invented this option that will allow you to OVERPAY them every cheque and they’ll hang on to that money for you, keeping it safe and sound for you until April and then they’ll give some it back to you. I think that’s a very sweet gesture, because you, being the idiot that you are, would probably just squander that money on useless luxuries like food and shelter.
So when you think of taxes, think of all the good stuff that it brings about, like more government. If a little works, a lot will work a lot better. If you still feel a little down, remember that without a whole mess of taxes, we wouldn’t have wonderful things like:
1. A strong military to keep foreign people safe from other foreign people in foreign lands.
2. A health care system that allows you plenty of rest and relaxation during your 4 hour emergency room wait time.
3. A hockey arena in a city that you don’t live in.
That’s only 3 exquisite things and I bet if you try, you can come up with hundreds, maybe even thousands of other examples! So don’t despair over the privilege of paying taxes, because you know that all that money is being spent to make your life better.
u suck
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