Job Hunting!

I figure that it’s time I honed my interview skills and updated my resume since I’m now job hunting.  Ideally, I would prefer to remain unemployed, because I find that my naps help me with my rare medical condition (technical term: “sleepiness”).    Plus, I’ll really miss daytime television which comes in the form of easy to follow talk shows that always have really disappointed men finding out that they are “THE FATHER” and soap operas where people who “die” can either come back as ghosts or secretly linger in comas for years until they are needed again.   It will be a change in my lifestyle but I feel ready… I’m getting my poop in a group and hitting the bricks!  Employment here I come! 

As you know, having an attention grabbing resume is the first step in getting hired.   That’s why my resume isn’t on paper.   I silk screened it onto t-shirts.   That way the employer gets a free gift right off the bat.   Employers like that kind of stuff… in the parlance of the business world, they call that “graft”.   If I know an employer is a bit on the heavy side (fat) then I will spell out my resume on a cake using icing sugar.   Employers on the heavy side appreciate that as well, because hiring can be a strenuous process and a nice piece of cake can really help them get through the day.

But what to put on a resume?   For starters… not the truth.   Some experts say that a little bit of embellishment is OK but not outright lies.   I disagree.    For starters, my name doesn’t “pop”. It’s too boring.  So right up at the top I put Frank “The Original Ghost Face Killa” Kress.   That’s the kind of name that jumps right out at you and it creates a talking point during the interview.   I always say, “Yeah, I thought up the name Ghost Face Killa but then I decided to let that other guy use it.  You know, that rapper, Ghost Face Killa.”   Since many employers don’t know many rappers, I will use that as an opportunity to educate them on that subject by busting out some rhymes for them like, “Fuck tha PO-lice, Fuck tha PO-lice, Fuck ‘em!”  Generally I stand up and rap really loudly and use aggressive gang signs.  That usually loosens them up for the rest of the interview.

The next item on the resume is work experience.   I always say that I was a doctor.  But you can’t go overboard with this one, because if you put down that you were a medical doctor, they might ask you to prove it by supplying a diploma of some kind or ask you medical questions like, “Is the funny bone really a bone, or is your elbow just happy to see me?”   That’s why I always say that my doctorate was honorary because I was really good at solving the Rubik’s cube.   (I have never solved the Rubik’s cube though one time, when I was a kid, I took it apart and then put it back together so it looked like I solved it.   That was the time that my parents were really proud of me.)  Also, I always put down that I worked for famous dead people (so they can’t check).   Like “Personal assistant to Nelson Mandela”.  

Which of course leads to the education portion of the resume.   Many people will be tempted to fudge their credentials a tiny bit, but I go all out Ivy League Style.   I say that I went to Harvard.  Not the one in Massachusetts, the other one, in Botswana.   Or I put the Sorbonne, because no one will bother calling France to check.   As a last resort, I will use Oxford but under that, I put, “Degree received under the pseudonym Miranda Sayer.”  (Someone who actually went to Oxford).

It’s important to have other interests listed.   I like putting “yachting”, “conquering Everest” and “super sexy modelling”.  Then I say, “You wouldn’t know it to look at me now, but I was once arrested for being too good looking.   True Story.”   This serves a dual purpose in that it looks great on a resume but also explains away my criminal record. 

During the interview, when they ask me what my strengths are, I always say, “Being virile and knowing what to do with “it”.”   Then I wink at them after using air quotes around the word “it”.  When they ask for weaknesses, I say, “I care too much”.   Then I’ll burst into tears and run out of the room.   It’s easy for me to cry on command because all I have to do is think back to the last time I had a “boo boo”.   And because I’m really sensitive and shit.

When the interviewer asks, “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?”  I always sit up straight and say, “King of Estonia… because it’s my birthright.”  That usually nails it for me.  

Anyway, I think I’m pretty much set for success and to all you little people out there that think I’ll forget them when I make it big, all I say is, “You’re wrong… I will always need servants.”