Warning: This article contains references to dead
bodies. If you are squeamish or easily
offended, I suggest you keep reading.
It will be like, therapeutic.
With Christmas only a couple days away, many people are
experiencing a great deal of stress and anxiety, wondering what to do if they
find a dead body. Not to worry, I've
compiled a list of do’s and don’ts which are conveniently interchangeable depending
on your point of view, moral turpitude and sense of humor.
Please note however, that this only applies to FINDING a
dead body, not CREATING one (murder). Also, the following is only applicable to
finding a stranger’s dead body… finding a dead relative or friend is just
traumatic so let’s not even go there.
***************************
So we've all been through it… it’s a sunny afternoon and
your phone rings. It’s your friend and before
you even have a chance to say hello, they blurt out, “Hey, do you want to go
see a dead body?” Of course you do,
because you’re only human and that means that you exhibit a natural curiosity
when it comes to life, death and the beautiful and mysterious cycle of life. Plus, you may be a bit of a creep and doing
morbid shit like that is right up your alley because you’re so desensitized
from watching “The Walking Dead” and all those George Romero zombie movies (Day
of the Dead, Dawn of the Dead, Morning Coffee Break of the Dead, Afternoon Tea
Time of the Dead, etc.) So you’re all
set for the adventure of going to look at a body. But what if you’re the one that finds the
body in the first place? What are you
going to do?
1. Even if you’re 100% sure that the body is in
fact dead, you should always poke it with a stick, just to make sure.
2. If
there isn’t a stick around, you should nudge the body with your foot a couple
times. After making certain it’s really
a dead body and not just some passed out drunk…
3. Call
you friends and before they even say hello, blurt out, “Hey, you want to go see
a dead body?”
4. Do
not take a selfie with the body.
5. Take
a moment before your creepy friends arrive to ponder the beautiful and mysterious
cycle of life. Chase away any raccoons
that may be in a scavenging mood.
6. Do
not move the body, even to arrange it in comical looking poses. Life isn't like “Weekend at Bernie’s.”
7. Contact
the authorities
8. When
the authorities arrive, put all your time watching Crime Dramas like CSI, NCIS,
Criminal Minds, Friends, etc. to work by immediately telling the cop, “Based on
lividity, I estimate the time of death at 12 pm yesterday.” When the cop questions how you would know
that, say, “I poked it with a stick.”
9. Before
the reporters arrive, get presentable for the camera. If you are female: Wear a bathrobe and have a lit cigarette in
your hand, messily applied makeup and messy hair. Try to use phrases like “Lawd” and “It was
just lyin’ there! All dead!”
If you are a male: Take off your shirt. Speak quickly and use the word “uh” in place of commas.
If you are a male: Take off your shirt. Speak quickly and use the word “uh” in place of commas.
When strangers ask you if you are OK
(adjusting to the trauma of finding a dead body) just nod your head a lot and
mumble, “Lawd” and “uh”. Chances are
they will drape a blanket over your shoulders.
Hey, free blanket.
No matter what happens, once the experience
is over you’ll no doubt experience regret, some form of PTSD or “Shit, I should
have checked to see if there was any money in his pockets!” No
matter what, when you tell this story (and you will tell this story to everyone you
meet for the rest of your life) always try to make yourself out to be a
hero. Don’t forget to mention how you
poked it with a stick. The response you
will receive will invariably be, “Awwwww, no way!!! That is so gross!!!!” Followed by, “Cool.”
Merry Christmas
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