watch what you eat!

Like many people my age, I’ve decided to focus on two main priorities in my life:
Watching what I eat
Maintaining my street cred

Some of you may disagree with my priorities but it’s true, you really do have to watch what you eat. PS: Why you always be dissing me? Fool, stay outta my biznatch!!!

I discovered this new found obsession for my diet because a girl told me, “I’m always very aware of what I eat.” And I said, “I’m always very UN-aware of what I eat, because I like surprises. Like, sometimes I’ll be having a snack and I’ll look down and exclaim, “Oh my God, I was just eating a rolled up newspaper!” So be advised that being extremely witty and downright hilarious is not the best method for picking up chicks.

You may think that you can get away with eating anything you want, but that’s where you’re wrong. You can’t go on eating the same scrumptious foods that your body craves like sweet sweet heroin and not suffer the consequences. A poor diet will lead you down the sumptuous path to obesity and all sorts of other health issues, like chronic dandruff and possibly gingivitis.

For instance, when you were young and virile, you could have a cinnamon roll slathered with gooey icing and it would have no adverse effects, however now you have to eat a raw potato or a handful of sawdust in order to maintain your optimum cholesterol level.

One thing you have to be painfully aware of is that there are two kinds of cholesterol, good cholesterol and bad cholesterol. Good cholesterol can easily be spotted by its white robes and halo and is usually perched on your left shoulder, whispering things like, “Be kind to old people.” Whereas bad cholesterol (you guessed it!) has horns and a pitchfork and dresses in red, the hue of which is much like a spicy marinara sauce. Bad cholesterol is a lot more fun at parties and usually listens to cooler music than good cholesterol. To figure out your cholesterol level, you can follow the simple formula below:

(pi "r" squared) Where “r” represents delicious bacon. (I bet you thought that pi would represent pie but that’s far too obvious! Cholesterol is too sneaky for that kind of lame joke!)

Besides cholesterol, you also have to count calories, which is very difficult because calories never sit still so sometimes you end up counting the same calorie like 4 times before you give up and have to start all over again. Calories are tiny but flavorful objects that make up food. For instance, a piece of chocolate cake has 19,000 calories and a hunk of yucky broccoli has negative 5 calories. Using those examples you can then figure out the calories of any dish on where they sit on the chocolate cake/broccoli line. As strange as it may sound, a slice of pizza is closer to the cake side, where your aunt’s Christmas cake, the one jammed with those sour red chunks that are supposed to be some kind of fruit, is smack dab next to broccoli. Go figure.

For a grown man with average looks, the proper caloric intake is about 57,000 calories or 12 kilojoules a day whereas that woman in Wal-mart who wears tight XXXL yoga pants and drags her 14 kids around with her should only have 3 or 4 calories a day until her big ass stops looking like a Glad garbage bag filled with basketballs.

Anyway, you should watch what you eat, because if you’re not careful, you might end up eating a rolled up newspaper. HAHAHAHA I just can’t get enough of that joke!