My new furnace

The new "it" item for consumers this year is a furnace. It's what every cool person wants because, well, they're cool. They need to warm up. A furnace will take care of that coolness problem. Since I'm the coolest person around, I decided to get a furnace because the old one broke. It was approximately 50 years old and ran on emeralds, which is why my utility bills were so high. Plus, the ducting was taped with asbestos, which as you all know, causes hiccups, water on the knee and then death.

At first I was mad at my house for trying to kill me with asbestos. I take that shit personally. I hired a crack team to remove the asbestos for the low, low price of 6 hundred thousand million dollars. Even though they carted in 48 tons of special equipment, I knew that the second my back was turned, they just yanked the tape off and stuck it inbetween the cushions of my couch.

My old furnace was an "Airco" furnace, which was, to all you furnace afficionados, the best furnace ever made. It was green. Two shades of green actually, which means that it was efficient and earth friendly. It was so eco-friendly that it refused to run. My furnace was designed to burn no fuel at all, leaving the home's occupants (me and the dog) shivering in joy, for we knew that our carbon footprint was getting tinier by the second.

Of course, like all radical, suffering environmentalists, I began to feel smug and self righteous and then my modest nature rebelled, screaming out (in a fine soprano) "You smug and self righteous jerk! Quit feeling so smug and self righteous and get a new furnace so you can stop shivering!!!" So I shopped around diligently (called the first furnace company in the yellow pages) and being the shrewd consumer that I am, immediately bought their most expensive model. I'm no fool, I know that the best model is always the most expensive, which is why I only wear designer socks.

The new furnace is super high efficient, which means that it not only burns 97% of the fuel, it also does the dishes and spends quality time with the dog. It comes with a super duper air filtration unit that the salesman told me will remove 100% of all the dust mites in the house. Dust mites, in case you didn't know, are microscopic particles that float in the air and whisper to you that you're fat and your hair is a "train wreck". So naturally I was glad to be rid of them. The salesman spent a good half an hour explaining all the evils of dust mites and how they will collectively gang up and beat the snot out of you (or beat the snot in you, something like that) they will, in the end, be the cause of my death. I asked, "What about when I have to leave the house for work or grocery shopping or perhaps to visit a friend?" The salesman replied that if I did any of those things, it would void the warranty.

So, after my furnace was installed, I was so overcome with joy that I began to feel light headed and had severe joy induced nausea. The joy, it turned out, was due to a gas leak. Apparently the installers decided to play a little joke on me by not sealing the gas lines. ha ha! So after calling the furnace company, they sent a guy out to refit the lines. Suddenly, the joy was gone and I exclaimed, "I just paid 7 thousand bucks for a new furnace!!! What the hell was I thinking?! I could have just bought a parka and a few pairs of designer socks!!!"

Buyer's remorse is a terrible thing. It's an experience that I usually reserve for my drug and prostitute binges. But there's no turning back now. The new furnace is here and it's humming along happily, which is more than I can say for me, because my humming days are over. No self respecting radical environmentalist can sell out AND shell out (7 thousand bucks) and still hum like they're all pleased with themselves. I'm not cold anymore, but my bank account has frost bite. Or something like that, because it's empty. I guess that analogy doesn't really work. How about, "I'm not cool anymore, but my bank account is hot, because it's been, like, emptied." I dunno. Anyway, I have a new furnace.