watch what you eat!

Like many people my age, I’ve decided to focus on two main priorities in my life:
Watching what I eat
Maintaining my street cred

Some of you may disagree with my priorities but it’s true, you really do have to watch what you eat. PS: Why you always be dissing me? Fool, stay outta my biznatch!!!

I discovered this new found obsession for my diet because a girl told me, “I’m always very aware of what I eat.” And I said, “I’m always very UN-aware of what I eat, because I like surprises. Like, sometimes I’ll be having a snack and I’ll look down and exclaim, “Oh my God, I was just eating a rolled up newspaper!” So be advised that being extremely witty and downright hilarious is not the best method for picking up chicks.

You may think that you can get away with eating anything you want, but that’s where you’re wrong. You can’t go on eating the same scrumptious foods that your body craves like sweet sweet heroin and not suffer the consequences. A poor diet will lead you down the sumptuous path to obesity and all sorts of other health issues, like chronic dandruff and possibly gingivitis.

For instance, when you were young and virile, you could have a cinnamon roll slathered with gooey icing and it would have no adverse effects, however now you have to eat a raw potato or a handful of sawdust in order to maintain your optimum cholesterol level.

One thing you have to be painfully aware of is that there are two kinds of cholesterol, good cholesterol and bad cholesterol. Good cholesterol can easily be spotted by its white robes and halo and is usually perched on your left shoulder, whispering things like, “Be kind to old people.” Whereas bad cholesterol (you guessed it!) has horns and a pitchfork and dresses in red, the hue of which is much like a spicy marinara sauce. Bad cholesterol is a lot more fun at parties and usually listens to cooler music than good cholesterol. To figure out your cholesterol level, you can follow the simple formula below:

(pi "r" squared) Where “r” represents delicious bacon. (I bet you thought that pi would represent pie but that’s far too obvious! Cholesterol is too sneaky for that kind of lame joke!)

Besides cholesterol, you also have to count calories, which is very difficult because calories never sit still so sometimes you end up counting the same calorie like 4 times before you give up and have to start all over again. Calories are tiny but flavorful objects that make up food. For instance, a piece of chocolate cake has 19,000 calories and a hunk of yucky broccoli has negative 5 calories. Using those examples you can then figure out the calories of any dish on where they sit on the chocolate cake/broccoli line. As strange as it may sound, a slice of pizza is closer to the cake side, where your aunt’s Christmas cake, the one jammed with those sour red chunks that are supposed to be some kind of fruit, is smack dab next to broccoli. Go figure.

For a grown man with average looks, the proper caloric intake is about 57,000 calories or 12 kilojoules a day whereas that woman in Wal-mart who wears tight XXXL yoga pants and drags her 14 kids around with her should only have 3 or 4 calories a day until her big ass stops looking like a Glad garbage bag filled with basketballs.

Anyway, you should watch what you eat, because if you’re not careful, you might end up eating a rolled up newspaper. HAHAHAHA I just can’t get enough of that joke!

My new furnace

The new "it" item for consumers this year is a furnace. It's what every cool person wants because, well, they're cool. They need to warm up. A furnace will take care of that coolness problem. Since I'm the coolest person around, I decided to get a furnace because the old one broke. It was approximately 50 years old and ran on emeralds, which is why my utility bills were so high. Plus, the ducting was taped with asbestos, which as you all know, causes hiccups, water on the knee and then death.

At first I was mad at my house for trying to kill me with asbestos. I take that shit personally. I hired a crack team to remove the asbestos for the low, low price of 6 hundred thousand million dollars. Even though they carted in 48 tons of special equipment, I knew that the second my back was turned, they just yanked the tape off and stuck it inbetween the cushions of my couch.

My old furnace was an "Airco" furnace, which was, to all you furnace afficionados, the best furnace ever made. It was green. Two shades of green actually, which means that it was efficient and earth friendly. It was so eco-friendly that it refused to run. My furnace was designed to burn no fuel at all, leaving the home's occupants (me and the dog) shivering in joy, for we knew that our carbon footprint was getting tinier by the second.

Of course, like all radical, suffering environmentalists, I began to feel smug and self righteous and then my modest nature rebelled, screaming out (in a fine soprano) "You smug and self righteous jerk! Quit feeling so smug and self righteous and get a new furnace so you can stop shivering!!!" So I shopped around diligently (called the first furnace company in the yellow pages) and being the shrewd consumer that I am, immediately bought their most expensive model. I'm no fool, I know that the best model is always the most expensive, which is why I only wear designer socks.

The new furnace is super high efficient, which means that it not only burns 97% of the fuel, it also does the dishes and spends quality time with the dog. It comes with a super duper air filtration unit that the salesman told me will remove 100% of all the dust mites in the house. Dust mites, in case you didn't know, are microscopic particles that float in the air and whisper to you that you're fat and your hair is a "train wreck". So naturally I was glad to be rid of them. The salesman spent a good half an hour explaining all the evils of dust mites and how they will collectively gang up and beat the snot out of you (or beat the snot in you, something like that) they will, in the end, be the cause of my death. I asked, "What about when I have to leave the house for work or grocery shopping or perhaps to visit a friend?" The salesman replied that if I did any of those things, it would void the warranty.

So, after my furnace was installed, I was so overcome with joy that I began to feel light headed and had severe joy induced nausea. The joy, it turned out, was due to a gas leak. Apparently the installers decided to play a little joke on me by not sealing the gas lines. ha ha! So after calling the furnace company, they sent a guy out to refit the lines. Suddenly, the joy was gone and I exclaimed, "I just paid 7 thousand bucks for a new furnace!!! What the hell was I thinking?! I could have just bought a parka and a few pairs of designer socks!!!"

Buyer's remorse is a terrible thing. It's an experience that I usually reserve for my drug and prostitute binges. But there's no turning back now. The new furnace is here and it's humming along happily, which is more than I can say for me, because my humming days are over. No self respecting radical environmentalist can sell out AND shell out (7 thousand bucks) and still hum like they're all pleased with themselves. I'm not cold anymore, but my bank account has frost bite. Or something like that, because it's empty. I guess that analogy doesn't really work. How about, "I'm not cool anymore, but my bank account is hot, because it's been, like, emptied." I dunno. Anyway, I have a new furnace.