Thoughts from the bottom of my sock drawer

Even though the Geneva Convention plainly states, “Don’t start nuthin’, won’t be nuthin.’” you still find that there are people in the world that look at me funny. Almost like they want to start sumthin’. I think this may be why the world will never know peace.



When people see me enjoying a piece of candy, I say, “This is why I’m so sweet!” If they don’t laugh at that, I spit the candy at them.



I was quite disappointed to hear that the Earl of Sandwich did not invent the sandwich. In fact, no one really knows who invented it. With that in mind, if you run into a guy who goes by the name of “Johnny Burrito”, don’t believe everything he says.



I may not know a lot about street fighting, but I do know that the guy who wets his pants before the fight starts usually doesn’t win. That’s why I don’t drink a lot of water before I go outside. Also, I don’t like using public washrooms.



The other day when I was snorkeling in my bathtub, I realized that I probably lead the most interesting life of anyone ever.



If you’re ever having a conversation with someone and they constantly look down to check their phone while you’re talking, you shouldn’t take that as a sign that you aren’t very interesting. You probably are; it’s just that the person you’re talking to is a bit of an asshole.



If you’re ever using your rake in a pretend sword fight with a tree branch, try to maintain your focus even with all your stupid neighbors standing there laughing. They wish they were that cool.



If I had a pet goose I would name him “Honky”. He could be friends with my pet llamas, “Fernando Llama” and his son, “Lorenzo Llama”. I bet you think that just because someone has interesting pets it doesn’t mean that they shouldn’t try to be a little more original when naming them. Whatever.



You know how it is when you’re watching a really sad movie all by yourself and just as the tears are really flowing and your nose is running and your eyes are all red, someone walks in on you? Me neither, because that never happened!!!



Any time a stranger comes to the house, I jump up on the couch and yell at them as loud as I can through the living room window until they go away. Then I’ll have myself a little nap. It turns out that modeling my life after my dog was probably the best idea I ever had.



Personally, one of my biggest fears is that kids today aren’t fat enough. They should play video games and eat cheese flavored snacks. Also, they should quit being so polite.



I don’t smoke, drink or take any illegal drugs. The only tiny vice I have is that sometimes I like to sniff a little glue. But that’s OK, because it’s good for you. Not many people know that model airplane glue is loaded with vitamins and minerals. Plus, it doesn’t mess with your head like fruits and vegetables do.



While I was sitting on the kitchen floor, banging on pots and pans with my wooden spoons, I realized that I may just be a musical genius. Or, failing that, just a regular genius.



Whenever my soul cries out for justice, I wonder if it really has anything to do with justice. Maybe my soul is only crying because it’s hungry; or it just could be my soul’s nap time.



You know who goes crazy for honey? Ants. That’s why the other day when I was pouring honey onto an ant hill; I suddenly had a great idea what to do with my enemies.



Over the weekend I sustained a cut on my forehead when I bumped my head against the table while I was bending over to put on my socks. It was at that moment that I realized that I am NOT a fully functioning adult.



I put taps on the bottoms of all my shoes so that when I walk into a room, people always ask, “What the hell is that noise?” I then loudly exclaim that I’m completely self-taught when it comes to tap dancing plus I choreograph all my own dance moves. Finally, I give them a rousing demonstration of my skills. The secret to my success: having absolutely no shame.



You know that saying, “I put my pants on one leg at a time, just like everyone else.” Well, I’m NOT like everyone else, so I decided to hold my pants out in front of me and jump into them with both legs at the same time. Now everything smells like cinnamon and I can’t remember where I went to high school. I think I have a concussion.



I like to think that I’m a very tolerant person; but what I just don’t understand are people whose favorite flavor of ice cream is strawberry or vanilla. I mean what the hell? Haven’t you ever heard of chocolate?!?! There’s just no excuse. I’ll let the matter rest for now since I’m obviously very busy, what with all the important things I have to think about.



I spent Halloween much like every other year (going through the neighborhood, bullying unsupervised kids into giving me their candy) and amidst all the crying and likely lifelong trauma that the children were going through, I thought to myself, “With all this chocolate and sugar and processed treats, I really hope their parents are making sure that at this time of year, those kids are eating a balanced diet, including fruits and vegetables.” Even though it’s a holiday, somebody really has to think of the kids!



Exercise is important which is why I always practise my karate moves on the front lawn when the high school girls get out of class. I don’t have an authentic “gi” but I wear my baby blue pajamas, which are pretty snazzy. Also, I don’t have a real black belt, but I do have a black scarf that I tie around my waist. It has little red hearts on it. I look totally impressive when I do my high kicks. Apparently the neighbors are going around with a petition about me. I bet it’s some kind of nomination for “coolest guy on the block.”



Not to over generalize, but you know who really hates random tickle fights? Complete strangers. That’s the kind of stuff I learn when I have to wait in line for things.



One of my greatest passions is interpretative dance so I decided to strap on the ole leotards and just get out there and showcase my talents through the beauty and poetry of modern dance. My routine told a haunting yet moving story of the trials and tribulations that I’ve overcome. Everyone loved it, except for one critic who said, “Too much booty clapping.”



You know how babies love it when you “honk” their little noses? I’ve found that adults don’t care for it that much.



Nowadays, one of the most important messages that girls are getting is that no matter what body type they have, they are beautiful, desirable and perfect just the way they are. Unless they’re skinny of course, because according to some female pop stars, no man will want them with their insufficient booty.



Old people always think that nothing surprises them anymore because in all their years, they’ve seen just about everything. But you know what they never see coming? Snowballs.



The other day I was at the soup lines and thought, “Man, it feels great to volunteer my time, helping others.” Then after a second I thought, “I should really do that instead of hanging out here, pretending to be homeless so I get free soup.”



I think one of the things that has really held me back over the years is that I’m constantly over estimating my ability to jump over stationary objects.



Back in my corporate life, one of my greatest strengths was in regards to conflict resolution. No matter what problem came up, I would always remain positive that it could be solved with a “dance off.” I would then demonstrate by doing a solo dance without the benefit of music. After a minute or so, I would breathlessly exclaim, “Crisis averted!” Then I would look around the boardroom and ask, “How come nobody ever thinks to bring hamburgers to these things?” I like to think that I really made the entire business world my bitch.



Let’s face it; you can’t get to my position in life without making a few enemies. I always challenge them to sort it out on the court by having a game of one on one. The only downside is that I have not once, to this very day, ever sunk a basket. Also, I don’t know how to dribble. I like to think that it’s just one more example of how I have a lot of “chutzpah”.



No matter how many times Nicky Minaj gets finger banged in a men’s room, nothing will change the fact that she is the delicate flower I imagine her to be.



As a rule, the worst people to have a pick-up game of basketball with are nuns. You always have to watch your language and not throw elbows around. Except I never do because I’m fiercely competitive and not Catholic.



I hate how people automatically assume that just because I’m tall, I’m always looking down their shirts. Even though it’s true, it’s still rude to assume.



Sometimes when I’m waiting in line behind someone at the cashier, I’ll stare at the pin pad and when they finish entering their code I’ll smile and whisper just loud enough, “Got it!”



One of the things that has given me a great deal of success both professionally and in my private life is the motto, “Hey, how about you cough up a little somethin’… for the effort.”



I find that I’m always taken more seriously when I tie the bottom of my t-shirt in a knot. People know that I am not to be trifled with because I have a very acute fashion sense. Also, gazing into my navel has been known to generate a very calming effect.



Everyone knows that if you’re going to prison, on the very first day you want to take out the biggest, meanest motherfucker out there. That way no one will take you for a punk. I’ve found that the same rule applies to bake sales or church functions.



I learned to appreciate the miracle of life from a very early age because when I was 7 years old, my uncle died right in front of me. He was on the floor, white as a ghost as if all the life had been wrung out of him. I remember the tears on my cheek and my little shaking hand reaching out to him. The stark silence of the house was suddenly shattered as he let out a loud snore. Apparently he wasn’t dead, just really tired and very, very drunk. It was a miracle. The miracle of life.



I said, “This relationship will never move beyond the physical as long as you keep getting offended by everything I say.”



When I go to a party, I like to cut through the B.S and go up to the first woman I see and say, “Are you the slutty one that I’ve heard so much about?” After getting that out of the way, I can go straight to stuffing hors d’oeuvres into my pockets for “later time snackies”.



If you’re ever feeling down, just remember that I’m really, really handsome. I don’t know if it will make you feel any better, but it always works wonders for me.



So I told the judge, “Not only am I defending myself, but my entire testimony will be in the form of interpretive dance.” When he said something about contempt, I said that I would put the system on the trial! But really, who has time for that? I just paid the fine and promised to stop taking my pants off when I rode the bus.



Everybody knows that there’s nothing I love more than a healthy exchange of ideas. You can always tell when I’m engaged in a lively debate when you see my fingers jammed in my ears and I’m shouting, “LALALALALALALALALALA!!!!” I am very open minded except when it is in regards to other people and how all their beliefs and opinions are stupid.



As you may not know or care, I haven’t had the best of luck with my novels, so I decided to focus on the realm of self-help books:



“Get Down!!!” – Dog training made easy through constant yelling



“Get Down!!!” – How to master old disco moves that are sure to make a comeback at some point in time



“You are Special” – And other lies your mom told you



“Han Solo’s Penis” - A list of stuff that you can admire without being gay



“Call of Duty” – Why playing video games at your age makes you a pathetic man-boy



“Not Good at Sports?” - And other reasons you’re nothing but a disappointment to your father



“Ribs, for her pleasure” – a recipe book full of poorly thought out sexual innuendo



“How to get a Six Pack” – A step by step guide to buying beer. (also see: “Rock Solid Abs” – The importance of your car’s Anti-lock Braking System)



“I’m Allergic to Orange Foods” – Great excuses for avoiding healthy snacks



“Theodore Bronco, Marcus Aurelius, etc.” – a list of nicknames for your biceps and/or penis



“Nobody Likes You” – And other things you should come to grips with. (The long awaited follow up to the bestseller: “You Smell”)



“Hump” – And other terms for coitus that you should avoid using around the ladies



“Underwear is only good for one day!!!” – A guide to personal hygiene for people who are dirty and gross



Whenever I go to a fancy party where they serve hors d’oeuvres, I politely say “No thank you, I brought my own snacks.” Then I take a peanut butter and jelly sandwich out of my suit pocket and take a bite. I find this also discourages strangers from trying to make small talk with me.



Whenever the checkout clerk at the grocery store asks me if I “found everything OK” I always reply, “I couldn’t find the true love that I was looking for. But I did find a big jar of Vaseline in aisle four. That should hold me over till next time.”



After I told the mailman that he had wrongly delivered my neighbor’s mail to me for the tenth time I said, “If only people would put their addresses on the front of their houses in big numbers so others would have some sort of clue as to where they live.” Then I looked over at the big numbers on my own house and said, “Heyyyy, would you look at that!”



I was standing in line at the store and I asked the guy in front of me:


a) “Did the kids at school call you Smelly, or is this a recent development for you?”

b) “I see by the way you’re breathing out of your mouth that you must be trying to work out a difficult mathematical equation in your head.” 

c) “Given your proportions, are you sure that a sugary breakfast cereal is the right move for you?”

d) “The way you’re looking at me with your cold, dead eyes reminds me that I forgot to buy fish.”  

e) “What kind of shampoo are you not using?” 

f) “What do you think those breath mints would say if they could talk? I bet it would be, “You need me.””

g) “Do you refer to all jeans as “skinny jeans”?”
h) All of the above – followed by, “Don’t hit me in the face! I need my pretty mouth to make my funny little jokes!” 

i) None of the above – followed by me thinking, “I hope I remember all these by the time I get home and… hey, Archie Double Digest!”



If you’re ever standing in a lineup of more than 10 people, you should loudly exclaim to them, “You know, statistically speaking, one of us is a dangerous sociopath.” If there’s a little old lady in the lineup you can point to her and say, “My money’s on you.”



I think I would make a lot more friends if I could just stop throwing rocks at strangers while yelling, “Stranger Danger!”, “Go away Stranger!” and “I hate you Stranger!” It’s also why I’m not part of the neighborhood’s welcome wagon.



I think the best way to deal with any stressful situation is to pretend to faint. This also works if you get caught in a lie. I do this 2 to 3 times a day.