There has been a lot of noise about the issue of same sex
marriage and it’s time for the voice of reason (that’s would be me) to finally
put the matter to rest once and for all.
The verdict that I've given is this: Same sex marriage is OK.
Consider the current divorce rate. I think it’s like 92% or something. I could check, but I’m pretty sure (99%) that
the number I made up is accurate. Gays
and Lesbians have been fighting for a long time for equality and actually want
to get married so those marriages will probably last. When the divorce rate goes down, then people
who put a lot of stock in statistics (78% of you) will be very happy over those
improved numbers. This will have a
domino effect and help the economy by creating more jobs in the marriage
industry (also known as “Big Marriage”, a subsidiary of “Big Oil and Big Pharma”). The economic ripple effect will be like a floral
scented tsunami: Increased honeymoon travel to overpriced locales, more
toasters and bread makers sold (and other wedding gift items), I could go on
and on and on but that would mean thinking of other stuff to write so I’ll stop
here.
Another benefit of same sex coupling is that these newlyweds
will not produce children. If they want
kids, they’re going to have to work their butts off to get them. Adoption or
going through medical processes and procedures all cost a ton of time and
money. Those kids would actually be
WANTED. Yes, I’m pointing an accusatory
finger at you people who let your kids run amok in Walmart and annoy decent
voices of reason (me). That same finger
is pointed at all the people who (whoopsie) get pregnant in an era where there is
no shortage of contraception or education on birth control and act like making
an unplanned baby is akin to slipping on a patch of ice (hence the “whoopsie”
comment) because they think they won’t get pregnant by doing the only damned
thing in the world that can get them pregnant.
Sorry, I digress. Back to the
point… don’t worry, gays and lesbians will raise your unwanted children for
you. And not to press the point too
far, but I’m sure they’ll do a much better job of it.
Those opposed to same sex marriage often say that this would
create a moral slippery slope. Like if
gays and lesbians are allowed to pledge their love and commitment to each other
in a legally binding ceremony, then what’s to stop a man marrying his dog? Well, that’s just ridiculous because a man
would never marry a dog; the real danger here is a woman marrying her cat. We all know that is far more likely because
the term “lunatic dog man” is never heard, but we’re all familiar with the
designation, “crazy cat lady”. This is a
very real threat because I’ve witnessed (first hand!!) framed photographs of
departed cats hanging on the wall, urns containing cat ashes sitting on mantelpieces
and lit by soft lighting, “Mr. Fuzzypaws” being cuddled and canoodled in a far
from appropriate manner… and that, at least to me, is a hell of a lot scarier
than two gay guys in tuxedos attending Church. And let’s be honest, those cat marriages
wouldn’t last because crazy cat ladies who are so desperately in love with their
cat (we all know the cat doesn’t really give a shit about them, not in *that*
way, anyway. I mean, they like them and
all, and they probably think they’re cool to hang out with, but marriage…whoa,
back up man!) probably has multiple felines running around her smelly house or
apartment and that would lead to feline polygamy, which is a whole different
problem.
Speaking of which, why are we so worked up over same sex
marriage when right on our televisions is a show called “Sister Wives” starring
a douche bag and his 4 homely wives (and their emotionally scarred troupe of children
running amok). Why are we celebrating
this creep’s lifestyle and possibly encouraging other unattractive men and
women to form polygamous bonds with each other? Why are we allowing them to get married and
cohabitate, increasing the risk of creating more weird children, thus giving a
rubber stamp approval to that lifestyle?
Oh yeah, because what other consenting adults do in the
bedroom has no effect on us at all. Let’s
just bomb another village and call it a day.
