Winter is coming you wussies...

I don’t want to cause any undue alarm, but everyone north of the 49^th parallel should be aware that summer is over.   Any moment now, it will officially be autumn and a few days after that, winter will be upon us.      Of  course this really only applies to Alberta, since according to people in Southern Ontario, it will be hot and sunny until sometime in February, when they will get a day or two of rain, then it will be Springtime again.

I for one am kind of relieved that summer is over.   The main reason is that I’m tired of not wearing a jacket and I need a place to keep my stuff when I venture away from my house.   Women, you will have no idea what I’m talking about because you get to carry a purse and guys, if you don’t agree with me, you’re obviously a douche bag that carries a briefcase or one of those awful man purses.  I won’t argue and I certainly don’t wish you any harm aside from someone giving you a violent beating with your own douche luggage.   

Wallet, keys, phone… those are the big three items and you can’t jam them into your pant pockets unless your wish is to appear abnormally lumpy around the hips and buttocks.  But aside from the big three, there’s also gum or mints… those get squishy in pant pockets.   For people who smoke, they have to contend with cigarette packs and a lighter.   In my case, I have to carry pepper spray because I have “girlish good looks” and as a result I am in constant danger of being kidnapped and sold to wealthy men from oil producing countries.  

Most of you will think that not having a jacket to carry stuff is a minor inconvenience and the choice between carrying your stuff around and suffering through minus 8 million degree winters is a no brainer.  Maybe evolution will someday give males much larger hands to carry their wallets, keys, phones and anti-kidnapping mace devices.   Perhaps.

The alternative is to become a “Snowbird”, which, as far as I can tell, is a type of bird that is made out of snow.  I’m not sure how that would solve anything but another way to escape winter is to travel down to Arizona, California, New Mexico or some other desert wasteland to avoid having to deal with a little chilly weather.   If you detect more than a hint of disdain in my tone for those people who spent their winters in warmer climes, then I applaud your astuteness.   First of all, it displays a lack of character to abandon hearth and home here in the north to spend a few months relaxing in the sun, playing golf, fishing and drinking margaritas.    Plus, it’s not fair; because that means you have more money than me.  Boo on you.

Also keep in mind that while we have to deal with cold and snow, those warm southern states have poisonous snakes, earthquakes, tornados, wildfires, hurricanes and people with alarmingly deep tans.   Scientists explain these phenomena as “Karma.”  

So instead of bitching and moaning (or travelling to the U.S), just suck it up, wear a scarf and a jacket with pockets big enough to carry your stuff.   Besides, in 9 short months, it will be spring again.