Frank L Kress in 2014 - Hope and Change and Stuff you can really believe in!!!

There were moments where I used to daydream at work and being in middle management, sometimes I used to wonder what would happen if every hourly worker in the company just stood up and walked out.   I imagined the chaos, the complete shutdown of productivity, the customers suddenly left hanging and ignored, the gears in the great cogs coming to a shuddering halt and I imagined a great silent void, as if all the air had been sucked out of a great cathedral, only to be replaced by a rising tide of cacophonous thunder: the panicked wailings and moanings of upper management as they tried to figure out how to work a cash register or drive a forklift or even place a want ad to replace their vanished workers.   During those blissful daydreams, I would have a smile on my face because I would then imagine the complete opposite.  What if one day all the executives in the company were to suddenly get up and walk out? 

Let’s be realistic, no company could survive without their top leaders… but what if one company tried, just for a year, to go executive free?   That would mean that every person who held a position above that of department manager (directors, senior directors, vice presidents, senior vice presidents, etc.) would take 12 months off.   I used to work at a pretty big company so for that year, we would start off with some salary and bonus savings.  I’m taking a guess here, but I would say the overall savings would be somewhere around 20 million dollars (conservatively).  That’s a pretty good way to start things off… the Board may approve of that idea.   

Further savings would be found in no travel allowances for important meetings.   So flights, hotels, meals, corporate accommodations (for those who live someone other than the city where they work) would also reduce a big chunk of change.  Apparently things like Skype, Webex, email and the telephone are completely insufficient for executive types, so once again Board of Directors, you’re very welcome, I just made the company wide P&L look a lot slimmer.

But enough about money, what other changes would their absence cause?   Employee morale would shoot through the roof, but never mind that, that one’s a given.   Here’s the gritty truth: the company would not grow or implement new strategies or adopt any improvements for one calendar year.   The I.T department, under their manager, would just be directed to maintain the current systems… just keep the lights on, make sure the systems don’t crash, no new projects to work on, just make sure that everything is working smoothly.  No outside contractors would be needed to develop software, no training programs to implement, nothing like that.  I know that outside contractors cost quite a bit, so that would maybe make up some of the short term savings that all those new programs were supposed to generate.  So, in short, no growth, no sweeping changes, just employees doing their jobs, managers managing them, customers buying stuff… Boring!   

I know, too ridiculous to even imagine…

But this article isn’t about work or corporations or high plaid executives… it’s about politics, or, to be more precise, politicians.   It was spawned by the local municipal candidate who plonked a sign down on the front lawn because he wants to be a city counselor.   My question for him (and for every other politician in the world) is why do you want to be a politician?    For the most part, it’s the same reason why people want to be vice presidents of big companies… they want money and power and generally, they want to boss other people around.  They will all claim that they want to serve their fellow man, make the world a better place, etc.   They all say it so much that they honestly believe it themselves, but the truth is, they just want to be important.  Do you remember that nerd from high school that ran in the student election… that twerp wants to rule over you.   Oh sure, he may have good intentions too… he really does believe that he can make the world a better place, but in the process of doing that, he gets to be your boss, to make the decisions, to be… well, a Somebody instead of just a normal guy.   The delusion that they are somehow better equipped and smarter than regular people is a bit of a farce really…

Before you take the first four paragraphs out of context and think I’m some kind of communist, I’m not. Remember, socialism isn’t about removing all those high paid executives; it’s about creating a whole lot more of them and just calling them a different name, rebranding them as government bureaucrats.  Before you think I hate Socialism or Liberalism, well, I guess I do… but I also hate Conservatives.   I suppose I hate any so-called distinctions between political parties, because fundamentally, they are so much alike.  I’m a political atheist after all.  Has Obama (a Democrat) been any different from Bush (a Republican)?   I mean fundamentally, what has changed?   

So the daydream I spoke about in the first four paragraphs expanded from company executives to the government.    What would happen if they just took a year off?   I’m not talking about the police or the fire departments; I mean politicians… what would happen if they just took a yearlong (unpaid) vacation?   No new laws, no lobbying, no wars being declared, no bombs dropped… would it really be so bad to go a year without any of that?  

Anyway, the point of all this is to let you know that next year, I’m running for office and I appreciate your support. (insert evil laugh here).

 

 

Winter is coming you wussies...

I don’t want to cause any undue alarm, but everyone north of the 49^th parallel should be aware that summer is over.   Any moment now, it will officially be autumn and a few days after that, winter will be upon us.      Of  course this really only applies to Alberta, since according to people in Southern Ontario, it will be hot and sunny until sometime in February, when they will get a day or two of rain, then it will be Springtime again.

I for one am kind of relieved that summer is over.   The main reason is that I’m tired of not wearing a jacket and I need a place to keep my stuff when I venture away from my house.   Women, you will have no idea what I’m talking about because you get to carry a purse and guys, if you don’t agree with me, you’re obviously a douche bag that carries a briefcase or one of those awful man purses.  I won’t argue and I certainly don’t wish you any harm aside from someone giving you a violent beating with your own douche luggage.   

Wallet, keys, phone… those are the big three items and you can’t jam them into your pant pockets unless your wish is to appear abnormally lumpy around the hips and buttocks.  But aside from the big three, there’s also gum or mints… those get squishy in pant pockets.   For people who smoke, they have to contend with cigarette packs and a lighter.   In my case, I have to carry pepper spray because I have “girlish good looks” and as a result I am in constant danger of being kidnapped and sold to wealthy men from oil producing countries.  

Most of you will think that not having a jacket to carry stuff is a minor inconvenience and the choice between carrying your stuff around and suffering through minus 8 million degree winters is a no brainer.  Maybe evolution will someday give males much larger hands to carry their wallets, keys, phones and anti-kidnapping mace devices.   Perhaps.

The alternative is to become a “Snowbird”, which, as far as I can tell, is a type of bird that is made out of snow.  I’m not sure how that would solve anything but another way to escape winter is to travel down to Arizona, California, New Mexico or some other desert wasteland to avoid having to deal with a little chilly weather.   If you detect more than a hint of disdain in my tone for those people who spent their winters in warmer climes, then I applaud your astuteness.   First of all, it displays a lack of character to abandon hearth and home here in the north to spend a few months relaxing in the sun, playing golf, fishing and drinking margaritas.    Plus, it’s not fair; because that means you have more money than me.  Boo on you.

Also keep in mind that while we have to deal with cold and snow, those warm southern states have poisonous snakes, earthquakes, tornados, wildfires, hurricanes and people with alarmingly deep tans.   Scientists explain these phenomena as “Karma.”  

So instead of bitching and moaning (or travelling to the U.S), just suck it up, wear a scarf and a jacket with pockets big enough to carry your stuff.   Besides, in 9 short months, it will be spring again.