After years of climbing the corporate ladder (second rung
from the bottom) being unemployed is a new and frightening sensation. In order to help others in my situation, I’ve
decided to chronicle the necessary steps so that others can make the adjustment
to not working for a living. Granted,
I’ve only been unemployed for 2 days now but the changes have been both stark
and unsettling. For instance, I used to
maintain a strict work/life balance.
In the past my Sundays were usually spent in the following
manner:
1.
Wake up depressed because Monday is a scant 24
hours away.
2.
Check work email.
3.
Complain to the dog about having to go to work
in 23 hours.
4.
Stare at the backyard from the kitchen window
and make mental notes of all the chores that need to be done but excusing
myself from doing any of them because I have to…
5.
Check work email.
6.
Make a sumptuous lunch, noting to the dog that
if I didn’t have to go to work I could stay home and make myself extravagant
meals like this every single day. Give the
dog my left over cereal from lunch.
7.
Check work email.
8.
Stare at closet, making mental notes of the
clothes that I wore 3 times the previous week and then reassuring myself that
no one at work noticed.
9.
Check work email.
10.
Extravagant dinner. Give the dog the leftover nachos.
11.
Check work email.
12.
Have daydreams about how those crazy postal
workers just might not be so nutty after all.
13.
Check work email.
14.
Bed time.
Dream about work.
So now that I am free from the shackles of work, I spent my
Sunday planning out my week:
Monday: Think up money
making scheme that doesn’t involve criminal activity.
Tuesday: Think up
money making scheme that may or may not be illegal but doesn’t hurt anyone.
Wednesday: Think up
illegal money making scheme that may or may not end up with someone getting
hurt.
Thursday: Come up
with brilliant money making scheme at all costs.
Friday: Steal
homeless person’s shopping cart and take empties to the bottle depot.
Saturday: Bask in previous
day’s criminal success.
Sunday: Start meth
lab.
You see, unemployment is kind of a slippery slope when it
comes to maintaining the moral high ground.
Focus is everything. That and
having a hobby might help too…
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