Movies, they can be good. But mostly not.

I have to admit that I used to be skeptical about movies being made about toys.   I liked the first “Transformers” movie after all. I suppose G.I Joe was a plausible concept since it’s also based on an action figure.  Then “Battleship”, a movie about a board game, came out.  I haven’t seen it but my review is included here: “It sucks.”   I know that come Oscar time, “Hungry, Hungry Hippos” will be a shoe in.  

But why is Hollywood limiting itself to making movies about toys and board games?   Why not Lego?  It could be called, “Lego: The Movie about Lego”.   How about, “Jenga:  Blocks of Wood Apocalypse!!!”    There’s so many untapped themes out there!   Why not feature films about cereal?  Count Chockula would be a great protagonist.   He could be in a buddy movie with Tony the Tiger.  Just imagine the wacky adventures that Snap, Crackle and Pop could have!    Come on Hollywood, we all know you’re running out of ideas and damn it, I’m here to help.

I suppose it all boils down to bitterness on my part.   They could have made a movie about my book, but instead they made one about Smurfs.    It could be argued that my book isn’t that popular, but out of the 12 people who bought my book, I bet 2 of them liked it better than the Smurfs.   Hollywood, are you going to ignore the demographic that consists of me and that guy I paid to say that he liked my book better than the Smurfs?   Are you really that shallow… hey Hollywood, don’t ignore me!  I’m talking to you!

Hollywood never listens.   Sure they’ll nod and say things like, “Yes, I see your point.” But in reality, Hollywood is just thinking about what they’re going to make for dinner.   (Just for the record, I know that Hollywood isn’t a person, I’m not THAT detached from reality, I’m just trying to make a point.  I think the point has something to do with the fact that a lot of movies get made that suck.   I suppose I shouldn’t really complain because I don’t really go to the movies.  I mean come on, after buying the tickets, a vat of popcorn, a shipping container of Hot Tamales and a keg of stale pop, the whole thing ends up costing like 1400 bucks.   It’s ridiculous.  If I had 1400 bucks to spare, I would probably buy a fairly decent suit because I don’t have a lot of nice suits.  I actually only have one suit and it serves double duty for weddings and funerals.  So if I had a really nice fourteen hundred dollar suit I would wear it 5 days a week until people starting making comments like, “Frank wears the same suit almost every day.  Is he living on the street?  Why has Frank fallen on such hard times?” and I would reply that I decided to get my full money’s worth out of that suit by wearing it almost every day instead of throwing it away at the movies, watching some stupid crap like “Count Chockula vs. Marshmallow Van Helsing.”   Then, finally, I could say that I have made my point about movies after a brief literal detour about a suit.   And on that note, I will end this parenthetical statement with a closing parentheses.  Specifically, this one à).

So yeah, movies… they suck.