I have to admit that I used to be
skeptical about movies being made about toys.
I liked the first “Transformers” movie after all. I suppose G.I Joe was
a plausible concept since it’s also based on an action figure. Then “Battleship”, a movie about a board game,
came out. I haven’t seen it but my
review is included here: “It sucks.” I
know that come Oscar time, “Hungry, Hungry Hippos” will be a shoe in.
But why is Hollywood limiting
itself to making movies about toys and board games? Why not Lego? It could be called, “Lego: The Movie about
Lego”. How about, “Jenga: Blocks of Wood Apocalypse!!!” There’s so many untapped themes out
there! Why not feature films about
cereal? Count Chockula would be a great
protagonist. He could be in a buddy
movie with Tony the Tiger. Just imagine
the wacky adventures that Snap, Crackle and Pop could have! Come on Hollywood, we all know you’re running
out of ideas and damn it, I’m here to help.
I suppose it all boils down to
bitterness on my part. They could have
made a movie about my book, but instead they made one about Smurfs. It could be argued that my book isn’t that popular,
but out of the 12 people who bought my book, I bet 2 of them liked it better
than the Smurfs. Hollywood, are you
going to ignore the demographic that consists of me and that guy I paid to say
that he liked my book better than the Smurfs?
Are you really that shallow… hey Hollywood, don’t ignore me! I’m talking to you!
Hollywood never listens. Sure they’ll nod and say things like, “Yes,
I see your point.” But in reality, Hollywood is just thinking about what they’re
going to make for dinner. (Just for the
record, I know that Hollywood isn’t a person, I’m not THAT detached from
reality, I’m just trying to make a point.
I think the point has something to do with the fact that a lot of movies
get made that suck. I suppose I shouldn’t
really complain because I don’t really go to the movies. I mean come on, after buying the tickets, a
vat of popcorn, a shipping container of Hot Tamales and a keg of stale pop, the
whole thing ends up costing like 1400 bucks.
It’s ridiculous. If I had 1400
bucks to spare, I would probably buy a fairly decent suit because I don’t have
a lot of nice suits. I actually only
have one suit and it serves double duty for weddings and funerals. So if I had a really nice fourteen hundred
dollar suit I would wear it 5 days a week until people starting making comments
like, “Frank wears the same suit almost every day. Is he living on the street? Why has Frank fallen on such hard times?” and
I would reply that I decided to get my full money’s worth out of that suit by
wearing it almost every day instead of throwing it away at the movies, watching
some stupid crap like “Count Chockula vs. Marshmallow Van Helsing.” Then,
finally, I could say that I have made my point about movies after a brief
literal detour about a suit. And on
that note, I will end this parenthetical statement with a closing parentheses. Specifically, this one à).
So yeah, movies… they suck.
