With Christmas just around the corner, it only makes
sense that I write a little something about zombies. For the record, I hate zombies. In general, I hate horror movies. I find them unoriginal, banal and stupid.
Also, they give me nightmares.
Horror movies can be just about anything: axe wielding psychopaths,
creepy little girls who later in the movie end up with terrible dental work, but
one of the more common themes lately has been about zombies. Not one or two zombies, but thousands of
them, tens of thousands, maybe even millions of the undead, walking around
aimlessly with vacant, undead expressions, grunting in their primitive zombie
voices, seeking out human flesh to consume.
Which of course brings me to Christmas shoppers.
Oh wait, I haven’t finished with the whole zombie
thing yet. Zombie movies began with the
simple premise of a small group of people running away from a horde of
zombies. They would hide in farm houses
or shopping centers and they would end up surrounded by zombies who they would
have to kill. Nowadays the zombie movie
(or television show) has evolved into something much more sophisticated: like a
small group of people running away from a horde of zombies.
Apart from the running away, the other central theme
of zombie entertainment is about killing the zombies. Great detail is put into the act of
dispatching the undead… bullets to the head, axes to the head, any sharp
implement that is laying around to the head… blood gushing, bones crunching,
gore spewing… you know, the usual aftermath of zombie diplomacy. Even more than running away, this theme is
dominant and crucial to any zombie masterpiece.
It’s crucial because therein lies the attraction for the zombie
enthusiast. So obviously the question
truly is what is so appealing about that?
What makes a zombie fan? It’s
quite simple: zombie fans are psychopathic murderers.
We can all publicly agree that killing people,
especially in large numbers, is just plain wrong. We shouldn’t go around shooting, stabbing or
decapitating people. That would be
rude. We would never cheer for people
for who did that. UNLESS… the people
they are shooting, hacking and bludgeoning are already dead. Then it’s just the right thing to do. Since normal, everyday people are off limits,
zombies provide the perfect outlet to satisfy the zombie fans bloodlust. They cheer when a zombie is violently
dispatched, they cringe with smiles on their faces, they get zombie-death
boners from the scenes of carnage. If
you put all those elements together, I repeat my earlier posit that zombie fans
are nothing but potential mass murderers.
It’s the next logical step for them.
I don’t mean to imply that zombie
fans are evil, and I am definitely not saying that they are morons. I’m not saying that, I’m writing it… this is
a blog entry. Duh.
So what can we do about this? Obviously as concerned citizens, our duty is to
watch for the telltale signs of a zombie fan (vacant eyes, bloodlust, low IQ)
and put a stop to it before it gets out of hand. Keep them away from sharp objects (replace
all cutlery with plastic sporks) get them involved with cute, fluffy objects
like stuffed animals (real kittens and puppies might be at risk) and always speak
to them in a calm, soothing voice, avoiding big complicated words. And remind them frequently that using guns,
axes and chainsaws on other people is wrong.
Oh, and it wouldn’t hurt to also remind them that ZOMBIES AREN’T REAL!!!
As for Christmas shoppers…
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