Thursday, November 29, 2012

Have a donut for gosh sakes


I hate exercising.  Tonight, while I was finishing my 300th sit up (OK, it might have been the 4th) I had an epiphany: exercise is stupid.   Sure the health professionals will tell you that if you follow the correct diet (whatever that is) and exercise regularly, you will probably die in your late eighties after recently having sex with a 20 something model.  Or it might happen in your nineties, right after you were base jumping in the tropics.  (Health professionals really know how to lay it on thick.) The reason why we listen to these experts is because we don’t want to die.  We want to put it off for as long as we can because the goal, for whatever stupid reason, is to live as long as possible.   Except when we see an 89 year old in real life, being pushed around in a wheelchair, a thin line of drool hanging out of his mouth and his vacant eyes staring off into space… then we all turn to the person beside us and whisper, “If I ever get that old, just shoot me.”  The lesson to be learned is that you shouldn’t bother whispering.  That old guy couldn’t hear you if you screamed in his ear.
Many of you are probably saying, “Frank, even though you have beautiful eyes and a sexy dimple when you smile, you’re wrong!  Exercise is important!  And my grandmother is 94 years old and is so fit she can kick your ass!”  Well of course she can because I’m exhausted from doing 4 sit ups.   No, the point is that we are always told to eat right and exercise and that will give us a greater quality of life plus you will long enough until they come up with a cure for death.   It will probably be made by the guys at Pfizer who were trying to invent a pill that makes an erection last 3 weeks.
As I lay on my back at the gym, listening to the sounds of all these exercise nuts around me, pumping iron and making noises like they’re in the midst of an orgasm, I thought of two people:  Keith Richards and Jim Fixx. 
Keith Richards, as we all know, has drank, snorted and injected every vile chemical known to man and yet there he is, almost 70 years old and still rocking out.  Sure, you may say that he looks like he’s 128 years old but c’mon, he was ugly when he was in his twenties.   The argument could be made that he is an exception to the rule but my response is, “Is there even a rule?”  Despite all the posturing, no one knows why some people live longer than others.  It can all boil down to genetics but if that’s the case, then nobody is going to buy another exercise book or spend all their money on pills, potions or powders.   As an example (and a true one to boot) no one has found out definitively what causes cancer and yet experts everywhere seem to have a million theories on how to avoid it.  The fact is, no one knows and not knowing is what scares us.  The number 1 cause of death is… life.   We live, we die.  Of course it’s sad that you (yes, even you!) will die.  Even more sad than that, the greatest tragedy of all is that I (yes, even I) will die.   So instead of focusing on that (because it’s really depressing) let’s focus on quality of life.  But that’s where you smart asses all say, “Exercise and proper diet improve the QUALITY of life!”   Yes, not eating delicious foods and settling for things that taste like cardboard really is the spice of life.  No sugar, liquor, tobacco, salt, chocolate or fats… way to live it up baby!!  
The thing is, we could all get hit by a bus tomorrow.  Of course, tt would have to be a really big bus to hit all of us and we’d all have to be in the same place at the same time, milling around in the middle of a really big road and then this huge bus comes out of nowhere… anyway, I haven’t thought this through enough.  Oh yeah, the point is, we should just be happy.  So there.  

Oh, if you’re wondering about that other guy I mentioned… Jim Fixx.  He’s the guy that wrote “The Joy of Jogging”.  He died of a heart attack when he was 52 years old… while jogging.

 

Sunday, November 11, 2012

Joy to the world! It's the zombie apocalypse!!


With Christmas just around the corner, it only makes sense that I write a little something about zombies.    For the record, I hate zombies.   In general, I hate horror movies.  I find them unoriginal, banal and  stupid.  Also, they give me nightmares.   Horror movies can be just about anything: axe wielding psychopaths, creepy little girls who later in the movie end up with terrible dental work, but one of the more common themes lately has been about zombies.  Not one or two zombies, but thousands of them, tens of thousands, maybe even millions of the undead, walking around aimlessly with vacant, undead expressions, grunting in their primitive zombie voices, seeking out human flesh to consume.   Which of course brings me to Christmas shoppers.

Oh wait, I haven’t finished with the whole zombie thing yet.   Zombie movies began with the simple premise of a small group of people running away from a horde of zombies.  They would hide in farm houses or shopping centers and they would end up surrounded by zombies who they would have to kill.   Nowadays the zombie movie (or television show) has evolved into something much more sophisticated: like a small group of people running away from a horde of zombies.

Apart from the running away, the other central theme of zombie entertainment is about killing the zombies.  Great detail is put into the act of dispatching the undead… bullets to the head, axes to the head, any sharp implement that is laying around to the head… blood gushing, bones crunching, gore spewing… you know, the usual aftermath of zombie diplomacy.   Even more than running away, this theme is dominant and crucial to any zombie masterpiece.  It’s crucial because therein lies the attraction for the zombie enthusiast.   So obviously the question truly is what is so appealing about that?  What makes a zombie fan?  It’s quite simple: zombie fans are psychopathic murderers.

We can all publicly agree that killing people, especially in large numbers, is just plain wrong.  We shouldn’t go around shooting, stabbing or decapitating people.   That would be rude.  We would never cheer for people for who did that.  UNLESS… the people they are shooting, hacking and bludgeoning are already dead.  Then it’s just the right thing to do.  Since normal, everyday people are off limits, zombies provide the perfect outlet to satisfy the zombie fans bloodlust.  They cheer when a zombie is violently dispatched, they cringe with smiles on their faces, they get zombie-death boners from the scenes of carnage.   If you put all those elements together, I repeat my earlier posit that zombie fans are nothing but potential mass murderers.   It’s the next logical step for them.   I don’t mean to imply that zombie fans are evil, and I am definitely not saying that they are morons.  I’m not saying that, I’m writing it… this is a blog entry.  Duh.

So what can we do about this?  Obviously as concerned citizens, our duty is to watch for the telltale signs of a zombie fan (vacant eyes, bloodlust, low IQ) and put a stop to it before it gets out of hand.  Keep them away from sharp objects (replace all cutlery with plastic sporks) get them involved with cute, fluffy objects like stuffed animals (real kittens and puppies might be at risk) and always speak to them in a calm, soothing voice, avoiding big complicated words.   And remind them frequently that using guns, axes and chainsaws on other people is wrong.  Oh, and it wouldn’t hurt to also remind them that ZOMBIES AREN’T REAL!!!

As for Christmas shoppers…