It’s been said that a democracy is nothing more than two wolves and a sheep deciding what to have for dinner. Everyone pretty much agrees that a democracy is the best form of government because it displays “the will of the people” or at least “the will of just over half the people.” Obviously this can cause some issues when the mob mentality takes over and right or wrong, decides to screw over the minority. If you find yourself in a minority, you can then either a) just shut up and take your lumps or b) try to convince the mob that you shouldn’t be screwed over or c) some other option that I haven’t thought of.
Democracies are not all they are cracked up to be even though they often portray themselves as representing a caring society. After a few drinks, Democracies will also portray themselves as wealthy architects with wives that “don’t understand them”. In short, Democracies can be douche bags. But even when they are sober and they’re standing around staring at other societies’ breasts and telling them how much they care about people, Democracies ignore many of the problems that plague us all. To illustrate this irrefutable stance that I’ve taken (my stance is usually one foot up on a chair and smoking a pipe) let me point out two major issues that have yet to be addressed by these so-called caring societies:
1. Homelessness
2. Abandoned missile solos
I posit that we can solve both of these problems in one fell swoop. You guessed it, all we need to do is round up all the homeless people and stick them into those huge underground missile silos that the US government shut down. Apparently those silos are mostly radiation free and can hold a huge number of people and shopping carts. It seems like a no brainer to just hand out a packet of seeds and maybe a few chickens for them to raise and then voila, no more wasted space or smelly homeless people on the streets. Granted, many of them will not willingly submit to being helped, but that’s where caring societies are so efficient: they will care for people regardless if they want to be cared for or not. That is the measure of how much they are loved. Just like people living in faraway countries are often “freed” by having “bombs dropped on their heads.”
Another possible solution for homelessness is to move them all out to the country. It seems that homeless people tend to congregate in cities and have deep urban roots. You don’t often see them hanging around corn fields. Maybe they do, but farmers may be just as loving as Democracies and shoot them and bury their bodies in fields when no one is looking. In any case, if we just transposed the homeless out to the boonies, then they could possibly get work as scarecrows or just laze away the day next to every 1976 Buick Skylark every made that are currently parked near the highway and adorned with hand painted FOR SALE signs. That would be gainful employment for homeless people. Or some farmers can shoot them.
I know what you’re thinking though, “That alone will not solve the abandoned missile silo crisis!” And you’re absolutely right; it wouldn’t take care of that problem at all. If we are too squeamish to jam a few thousand homeless people into massive underground crypts that possibly contain more than acceptable levels of radiation, then maybe we need to take a good hard look at ourselves and ask, “How would you “round up” homeless people anyway? Cowboys with lassos?” Because if we aren’t prepared to do the dirty work, to get our hands dirty and probably quite smelly too, to care about homelessness enough to darn well do something about it, then people, all I can say is that we ought to be ashamed of ourselves. Since I never want to be ashamed of myself for anything, my plan (sketched out on a napkin) is thus:
Roughly 45% of grown up type people vote so all I have to do is convince 23% of the adult population to adopt a law that states, “All homeless people will be rounded up and either dumped underground or sent out to a field somewhere, probably to die.”
“Ah,” you say, “Not even 23% of adults would vote for that. It’s unjust.” And that is where I would pat you on the head in a patronizing fashion and gently coo, “You are a naïve twit.” I would have a slick advertising campaign and have good looking celebrities make ads for me in which they smile and say, “Anyone that doesn’t vote for “Proposition Kill All the Homeless” is not cool or attractive.” Then hoards of people (23%) would say, “I wouldn’t want anyone to think I’m not cool or attractive, especially after all that work I put in at the gym. I am going to vote for “Proposition Kill All the Homeless”, whatever that is.”
That would be democracy at work.
Condominiums! That’s what we can use those empty missile silos for. Or shopping malls! Underground missile silo malls! There, one problem solved.
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