Chicks with Tattoos

It’s time for me to finally set the record straight on tattoos. In order to tackle the issue head on, or as the Greeks say, “straight ahead”, we have to understand the history of tattoos.
During the Middle Ages or thereabouts, there were many vicious tribes at war: The Visigoths, the Eskimos, the 49ers and the wicked Haiku to name but a few. In order to terrify their enemies, they went into battle singing romantic pop songs by Adele but sometimes when they were faced with even more vicious foes who didn’t allow themselves to be fazed by single themed lyrics, they needed something more, so they would also bring weapons like axes and stuff. While they made war, others made love and thus babies were invented and this ushered in the glorious Renaissance, known for its majestic paintings, sculptures and troubling Sudoku puzzles. Then, when art was at its apex, some sailors landed at port and the very first thing they did was visit some prostitutes. To commemorate the venereal diseases they both gave and received, they would adorn themselves with tattoos, because after the dirty sex, there was nothing else to do except sculpt or invent weird looking helicopters like the kind that DaVinci would fly around in.
Fast forward to the twentieth century and all of a sudden, bikers and sailors alike were still getting awful sexually transmitted diseases and with that hurdle to overcome, they would get tattoos so girls with daddy issues would flock to them by the hundreds. These girls soon saw that if they wanted to be treated equally they would have to get tattoos as well and thus started the great butterfly tattoo trend of the nineties, which segued into the Chinese letters that translated into “Forever Love Happy Happy Fun Chevy Nova” which they would get tattooed onto discreet areas of their bodies that would only be seen by those fortunate dozen or so guys who would have sex with them. But that wasn’t enough… because soon hidden tattoos only seen by boyfriends or drunken one night stands would need to be displayed on wrists, ankles, calves and then, oh glorious Renaissance Part Deux, the neck.
Now that you know the history of tattoos, you may be wondering, “Frank, you handsome devil, why don’t you care for tattoos, aside from the fact that they are dirty and gross?” Well, the answer is that I like tattoos as long as they are on men. “Oh Frank, you highly intelligent but still incredibly sexy fool, that’s completely sexist! Why are tattoos on men a good thing, but not on women?” I’m glad you asked…
The reason why I do not like tattoos on women (and yes, I know that I am offending 99.9 % of you now because that’s how many of you are inked), but the fact is, I like naked women. A woman who is tattooed is never naked, there’s always something covering their skin. It’s like you see a gorgeous naked chick and say, “She’s really hot, but she would be way hotter if she just threw on a sweater.” A tattoo is like a piece of clothing that you can never take off. (Obviously I feel that men should be completely tattooed, particularly over the wiener, so I never have to see that stuff in locker rooms or movies with Harvey Keitel, Kevin Bacon or Jason Segel). But for women, wherever they have a tattoo, it’s a like they’re covering themselves with a glued on Argyll sock.
Granted, I don’t know much about fashion, since it looks like I cut my own hair with a Bic lighter, but I do know that applying a permanent design on your skin is not a good idea because no matter how much that design means to you now, in a few years you’ll say, “I used to feel very strongly about forever love happy happy fun chevy nova, but now… meh.” And at that point, you’ll wish you just bought a t-shirt of it instead of permanently etching it into your skin.
Now I like to pride myself on my easy going nature, my live and let live attitude, my joy of life or as the French say, “Je ne parle pas Francais” but in this regard I have to be steadfast in my unyielding belief that naked chicks are way cooler when they’re naked. Women, do not cover yourselves, be proud of your nakedness when nakedness is called for. And don’t delude yourself into thinking that a tattoo will make you unique (well, as unique as everyone else that has one) or being “edgy and cool” because being edgy and cool is what happens on the inside, not on your skin. And as a final parting shot, soon tattoos on chicks will go out of style and if you get a tattoo, you’ll really be dating yourself. Soon younger, cooler chicks will look at you and remark, “Holy, you must be old, because those went out of style, like, 5 years ago.” Which is why I am starting up my own laser removal boutique… call now for rates.