Spring is in the air and that means we only have 16 more weeks of winter to look forward to. As sure as Kristen Stewart is going to cry in any movie she stars in, we in Edmonton can rest assured that while the rest of the world swelters in tropical heat thanks to global warming, we will shiver through snowy days and bone chilling nights. A wise man said, “It’s kind of pointless complaining about the weather because there’s nothing you can do about it.” And I agree, it’s much more beneficial to complain about so called wise men and their pithy little observations.
But this doesn’t quite apply to me, because my observations, while almost always wise and sometimes pithy, are exactly what are needed in this cold world. My most recent observation concerns men’s jeans. Before you make some smarty assy comment about me observing men in their jeans, let me say that I’ve limited my observation to my own vast array of jeans, none of which fit me correctly. You may wonder if the reason they do not fit me is because I’ve lost weight and I’m quite svelte now, and that may be partially true, but the real reason is because men’s jeans are no longer comfortable.
Nowadays, men’s jeans are designed to ride a centimetre above the pubis in the front and halfway down the ass in the back. And why? Because some fashion designer decided that this is the “new look” and obviously hates men. If the fashion designer in question is a man, I would like to meet him personally and punch him in the dick.
I can sense you getting ready to make some crack about my age and how the older a man gets, the higher his pants sit, but you can just keep your mean spirited comments to yourself because the fact is, I agree! I’m no longer a young man and perhaps jeans are meant for younger men but I’ve grown up in jeans and I’m not ready to give them up yet. But damned if I can continue wearing jeans that I’m constantly forced to hike up every time I move an inch in any direction. Jeans are meant to be worn at the waist. They aren’t meant to be cinched up like the working end of a balloon, strapped seven inches below the belly button. God forbid I have to carry something and I don’t have a free hand to hike up the pants because in four steps or less, those jeans are around my knees, fully done up and buckled. It’s infuriating, but what’s the alternative? Wearing Wrangler jeans that are so tight that the casual observer can tell what my religion is? No, I cannot do that, because: 1. I’m not a cowboy. 2. I’m not a gay cowboy.
I have to admit that I loved the days when pants were worn a little loose, because let’s face it, a little loose is comfortable, but you just can’t find pants that are a little loose in my size. And I honestly have no clue what my size is anymore! If I want to buy a pair of pants that are a little loose, I would go up a size but one size up means that the jeans are still vise-like at the crotch but big enough at the waist to fit a toaster oven in there. What I’m trying to say is, no man should be forced to wear jeans that resemble a funnel with two spouts.
Of course the problem is that I don’t have a bubble butt, which I’m guessing is what is required to keep those jeans on. I have a man’s ass, which means that when I’m standing up, I can’t place something on top of it, like a glass, and expect it to sit there. But enough about my perfect ass… the point is, I don’t know why these jeans were invented. Are they meant to be worn without a shirt? Is the whole point to see what brand my underwear is? If that information is so damn important, just ask me!
I’ve only got a few more years to go before my jean wearing days are over and I have to resort to pants that are worn just under the arm pits, so I’d like to make those years count. Can we please pass a moratorium on these god awful jeans so we can get back to moving around without running the risk of mooning the world? Not that the world doesn’t deserve it…
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