The other day I was at the post office arguing with the clerk about paying duty for Swedish pornography when all of a sudden the guy standing beside me coughed really loud and I said, “Bless you.”
He said, “I didn’t sneeze.”
I replied, “Sorry?”
And then he said, “I didn’t sneeze. I coughed. You don’t say “Bless you” to someone because they cough.”
So I said, “Maybe I was just saying “Bless you” because I wanted you to be blessed. Dink."
OK, the truth of the matter is, I thought he sneezed. But the lesson learned is that it doesn’t pay to be nice to people. It doesn’t even pay minimum wage, so why bother? I went away from that encounter an enlightened man. I would no longer be nice to anyone at any time.
You may think that is a terrible way to live, not being nice to anyone at any time. That’s where you’re wrong and you’re probably an idiot too. See what I mean? It’s cool not to be nice. The burden of societal mores was lifted from my handsome shoulders. I could go through life not giving a fig (I’ve never owned a fig but if I did manage to get my hands on a fig, you can bet I wouldn’t give it away. And who would want it anyway? “Here, have a fig.” That’s a good way to get socked in the nose. Isn’t a fig a fruit or something? It’s in Fig Newton’s but that’s it, you never hear about figs in any other context aside from the one I just mentioned. Makes you wonder about figs, doesn’t it? Figs: the red headed stepchild of the fruit family.)
Anywho… I thought about all the times that I’d been nice when I didn’t want to be and thought, “Boy, it would have been swell to not have been nice to that jerkwad.” Just imagine how great it was when I was on the crowded bus, enjoying my bench seat all to myself when this little old lady stood there looking at me with sad, pleading eyes and I said, “You can shuffle those rickety old bones on down the aisle, because I’m not giving up my seat.” HAHAHAHAHA! K, that never happened. I never ride the bus.
Being nice is for suckers. The old saying, “Nice guys finish last, or somewhere around the middle of the pack, probably not first, unless the nice guy is really fast” has never been more true. Nice sucks. Also honesty. Honesty is a terrible policy. If someone asks you, “Does this dress make me look fat?” You should never say, “Dude, why are you wearing a dress?” Because then that transvestite will be heart broken. So obviously being nice and being honest are mutually exclusive. Pick one or the other. Unless the guy wearing a dress doesn’t look fat at all but really good and you tell him so and you’ve already paid the $100.00 bucks and then you get the shock of your life when his package leaps out at you like a crazy jack-in-the-box and you end up screaming and running for your life down some God forsaken alley swearing that you’ll never ever… hold on… that never happened either. Seriously. I honestly never ride the bus either. While I’m being forthright I might as well add that I would never deny an old lady a seat. If you tried something like that, they’d whack you with their cane. Old ladies on the bus… man, don’t mess with them. Anyway, hurry up and read my concluding paragraph which sums up this whole mess nicely:
The moral of this story is that being nice is way over rated and honesty is a dish best served cold. Revenge on the other hand, is just plain good sense.
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