Dealing with Unemployment - Part 2

Many people harbor serious misconceptions about what it’s like to be unemployed.   They assume that I sleep most of the day and during my rare waking hours I am wearing sweat pants, eating Cheetos and watching daytime television.   Because of these ludicrous suppositions, I intend to set the record straight and share my daily schedule:

10:30 am: Get up at the crack of dawn-ish and stare out the window while having a good scratch (scalp, belly, crotch and finally buttocks).

10:45am: Eat a bowl of cereal (with or without milk, depending on availability) on the couch, watching “The View.”

11:30am:  Quick Nap.

1:00pm:  Take the dog for a walk (allow the dog to follow me to the refrigerator while I stare at available lunch options).

1:00pm:  Lunch.  (Cheetos and “Young and the Restless”)

2:00pm:  Exercise (Surfing the net, eating candies and laughing at YouTube videos of cats)

3:00pm:  Quick Nap until bedtime.

HA HA, just kidding.   Those who know me have all expressed their concerns vis a vis, me going crazy without a job.   For starters, the first couple months were just fine because I was doing a lot of writing and work around the house.  I was enjoying myself so much and thought, “Gee, I could get used to retirement!” but then I suffered what they call a “Heart Event” which is the same as a “Heart Attack” but the word “event” makes it sounds a lot less serious, like my heart had a concert or held a fundraiser.    

So after my “Heart Event – a black tie affair with musical guests, Black Sabbath!”  I started devoting my days to “rehabilitation”.   The rehab began with a serious of don’ts: No Smoking, no carbohydrates, no caffeine, no fat, no sugar, no fun and one big Do:  Exercise all the fucking time.  So 5 times a week, I spend a few hours running on the treadmill, riding the stationary bike and lifting weights so if I don’t have another “Heart Event – free admission with a donation to the food bank!” I should be sufficiently in shape to participate in the next Iron Man, Spartan Challenge, Bierkebeiner or just plain drop dead from exhaustion.  My goal is for people to peer into the casket and say, “Sure he’s dead, but he looks GREAT!” 

Anyway, since it’s been 5 months since my “Heart Event – BYOB”, I will admit that I am going a little bit stir crazy and am starting to think about going back to work.   In order to mentally prepare myself for the rigors of corporate life, I have started working on “projects”.   What I do is, I write up a long report about the inefficiencies of… something… and then I do up a Power Point Presentation and a spreadsheet complete with graphs and pie charts.   Then I email that to people I know and then they reply with “WTF?  Stop sending me this crap!”  This entire process exactly replicates my former work life. 

When I’m not wasting my time, working on reports, I will gather up all my old stuffed animals and arrange them around the dining room table for “meetings”.   I prop them all up in positions that make it look like they are “really serious”, “getting to the bottom of things” and “making positive changes” while I sit at the far end of the table and text people with my iPhone on my lap.   After the meeting, I walk away feeling scolded, overwhelmed, confused and fed up and go back to my desk to play solitaire and grumble under my breath.

So basically, I’m ready for action!   I can start anytime and I require minimal training, except by minimal, I mean “extensive” and by training, I mean “shown 12 times”.  You can reach me through this blog, by email or through one of my colleagues, either Mr. Fuzzy Pants the stuffed cow vice president of cud chewing or Mrs. Teddy Bear, CEO.