Love is not priceless, but it is expensive

This may come as a bit of a shock, but I’ve made the landmark discovery that beautiful women are often attracted to rich men. I know that this revelation may cause shock and indignation among both men and women but I think it’s time the truth came out. Apparently gorgeous women are alarmingly drawn to rich men because these gentlemen, despite being old, ugly and frequently hairy, have a lot of money. It would seem that things like good looks and personality aren’t all that important in comparison to having scads of money. Some of you women will no doubt say, “Money isn’t important to me!” I often counter that by saying, “Prove it by sleeping with me.” Of course they don’t so obviously that makes them liars. I speak from experience. One time, I encountered a guy with a huge protruding forehead, rotten teeth, a huge gut and he was a loudmouth jerk to boot. He was saying, “My girlfriend has a lot of hobbies.” And me, being the clever fellow I am, said, “Hobbies like making a fist, clapping, wearing a glove, writing with a pencil?” He gave me a blank stare and I felt like a twit when I had to explain, “I was referring to your hand being your girlfriend.” And then he said, “No, my girlfriend over there.” And then he pointed to the attractive young lady standing in front of his BMW. I felt like an even bigger twit but it all made sense. In defence of those shallow yet gorgeous girls, I posit that perhaps it is not the money itself that draws them to these often hideous troglodytes. Maybe it’s only what their huge piles of money represent: business savvy (even if they inherited the money or got it by being good at sports), motivated and driven (see above parenthetical statement), security for themselves, their children (and possibly the pool boy). This may be what draws them to these rich bastards who many times exhibit back hair or large protruding stomachs that make it look like they swallowed a whole sheep. Heck, maybe models end up with hockey players with missing teeth and 48 word vocabularies because they just love the game so darn much. You’ll notice that I have not used the term “golddigger” yet. I do so not because I just remembered, but because it isn’t fair to attach a label to these women. If I were to do so, I would have to come up with an equally unflattering term for rich guys who marry hot chicks and that would entail far too much work for me. Because yes, the fact is that these fat cats are equally shallow and just as guilty. It’s not like they chase these women because they are attracted to their sense of humor, their love of nature/animals/children, their nurturing spirits, their gift for paying thousands of dollars for shoes. Yeah, one pair of shoes. But anyway, the men are just as bad. I think what annoys me so much about it is that they are both playing a dishonest game with each other. The women pretend to love them for all sorts of reasons except for their money and the men pretend to adore them for all those other things that aren’t their boobs. It would just be so refreshing for these couples to exchange vows in complete honestly. Bride: “I love your money and when your blatant infidelity becomes intolerable, I will divorce you and take a huge chunk of it.” Groom: “I love your ass and when it starts to sag, I’m prepared to offer you severance pay in the form of a large divorce settlement so I can trade you in for a younger woman.” Hurray, true love!! Of course many beautiful women do not end up with rich men. Many of them could easily scoop up a rich guy but instead choose to follow their heart and marry for love. Although this displays a distinct lack of business sense, it’s awfully sweet to see. To these women I say, “Hey baby, what’s up?” And then their husbands beat me up, because that’s what true love does. It hits.